Christmas Alphabet word search: This word search contains 25 festive words, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet. Can you identify the whole alphabetical list from A to Y? (Sorry, I gave up on Z) (Answers in the comments box)
Y S A M X H P E S O J W
L A H R E E D N I E R R
L N R G L E G N A V T E
O T R U D L E O N I Y A
H A Y U N W R A P R E T
B O M L A E G T A G K H
E R X R C I V R K I N G
L E I E F Q U E E N O I
L F Y T N E S E R P D L
X-6
Christmastime in E3
• Flashing Santas shining down from tower block balconies
• A few strands of tinsel draped behind the bar of a pub
• Well-dressed couples turning up to a festive dinner party
• Stressed-out drivers endlessly honking one another
• A pensioner walking back to her lonely basement flat
• Wide-eyed children looking forward to the big day
• A wreath on the door of a Victorian terraced villa
• Cheap lager being lugged home in a Morrisons carrier bag
• A mob of feral children hurling an egg at a passing bus
• Crowds of beaming worshippers exiting a carol service
• Queueing for stamps in the run-down Post Office
• Strings of red and white lights illuminating Roman Road
• A small fir tree sat on a pile of tyres in a dingy garage
Bow Road update: You can't use Bow Road tube station today. You couldn't use it last weekend either, or the weekend before that. In fact, what with the Christmas weekend coming up, you won't be able to use the station on any weekend in December. Then there's three more weekend closures in January and another at the end of February, all of which makes for a prolonged period of travel misery for us Bow residents on top of all the late evening closedowns we've been suffering since March. And all because renovation work at Bow Road station is going on months longer than expected, and because it seems the only way to finally bring the whole overblown project to an end is to force passengers to find alternative travel arrangements at weekends while workmen try desperately to catch up. OK, so it's only a 7 minute walk from here down the road to Mile End, but it's the principle of the thing that matters. The chairman of Metronet admits that there have been problems...
Which appears to confirm my suspicions that my local station was shut after 10pm every night from March until September while virtually nothing was going on inside. Thank you Metronet. At least since October things really have started to happen. No really. Now there are black cables, and cameras, and white cables, and paint, and purple cables, and even the odd workman walking around trying to look busy during those increasingly rare hours while the station is actually open. I've still not seen one new development that improves my journey to work, though, not one. Check the comments box for further details (or go read my new 'Bow Road page' which, like the station, is still under construction).
If you've just arrived from Metafilter (ooh, Metafilter), then let me assure you that...
a) No, I have never blogged about the curious retro-style tube adverts for London's Metropolitan Tabernacle. Blimey, aren't they dated?
b) The Metropolitan Tabernacle isn't quite a 'historic London landmark', but it is a very prominent building at the Elephant & Castle.
c) My photo of the pink elephant and castle at Elephant and Castle (8 days down the page) was taken on the opposite side of the road from the Metropolitan Tabernacle, so I have sort of been there.
Happy Christmas. You'll be glad to hear that my Christmas cacti are now dripping with pink buds and the geraniums on my frost-free balcony continue to bloom spectacularly. I've decorated my flat by draping the usual fairy lights down the hallway, and your fibre optic Christmas tree is busy changing colour on the dining table. I've now received 16 Christmas cards, which isn't a very impressive total given that I'm planning on sending out about 70, and it's probably at least a hundred less than you've got by now. Thanks for your homemade Christmas card which is now sitting in pride of place on the TV. You'll be pleased to know that my homemade Christmas card to you is already in the post, although it was particularly naughty of David Blunkett to resign while my card was at the printers.
Life at work continues to be manic. The low point was two weeks ago when I missed the company's Christmas party (free bar, sit-down meal and a tentful of entertainment) because I was too busy working for the company. Thankfully I've not had to work as late as half past nine again, but I'm still the mug who's sat in work at 8am and 8pm while everyone else swans off at what used to be my normal leaving time and manages to have a life. At least I'm finally due more than a fortnight off work after I crawl home tonight, which'll give me a chance to drink normal tea again during daylight hours if nothing else.
My new passport arrived in the mail yesterday. They sent the old one in a separate envelope, and my local postman somehow managed not to steal either of them. I reckon the new photo almost looks like me, certainly more than the last one from ten years ago, but you'd probably prefer the set of photos I couldn't use because there was too much white background and not quite enough of my face. It felt odd seeing an expiry date of 'Feb 15' at the back of the passport and realising that they meant 2015, not the day after Valentine's Day. At least this means I'm not due to be getting an ID-chipped biometric replacement until I'm 50.
I hope you're both well. Sorry that you couldn't both make it down to London for the 'annual' day of Christmas shopping this year. To be honest, Mum, I'm dead impressed that you can make it as far as the village shop after your hip operation last month. I'll pencil in a quality festive shopping day sometime next year instead. And I'll see you both next week.
geezers.co.uk - a new haircare range for men who want the 3 "F"s - fun - fashion - and the other.
A range of 12 "men only" haircare products that will ensure that you look the "dogs b******s" on every social occasion.
Geezers hair care products are specially designed for the latest generation of men. Whether you are going for the sleek, shagadellic look or irresistibly firm hold styles that are rough, rigid and randy Geezers® has the product for you. Our superb range of shampoos, conditioners, and styliing products are prefect for the guys who has a hard night out on the town followed by a hard game of footy the next morning.
You can buy any of the Geezers products from a good professional hair salon and be the Geezer of your choice:
- be a smooth geezer
- be a spikey geezer
- be a randy geezer
- be a hard geezer
- be a party geezer
Products:
• Geezers Friday Night Smoothing Gel is formulated to give hair that sleek, shagadellic look for that special night on the town.
• Geezers Sorted Anti Dandruff Shampoo is formulated to effectively eliminate the dreaded white stuff.
• Geezers Wicked Glue is the definitive texturising product for devilishly strong hold.
• Geezers On The Pull Shaper gives irresistibly firm hold for styles that are rough, rigid and randy.
• Geezers Stay Stiff Gel Spray is formulated to give all hair styles a hard as nails finish.
• Geezers Hairy Monster Thickening Shampoo is ideal for the geezers that nature intended to be follicley challenged.
• Geezers Knackered Hair Repair is ideal for hair that has been neglected, abused, damaged - in fact, thoroughly balls’d up.
• Geezers Party Hard Putty is the ideal medium-hold texturising product for the social animal.
• Geezers Gunk Removing Shampoo is guaranteed to remove all the crap resulting from frequently styled hair.
• Geezers Hungover Shampoo is an invigorating cleanser formulated to blast away the effects of the night before.
Geezers hair care products are now available at: William Lothian Hair (Glasgow), Jason Shankey Male Grooming (Belfast), Scissor-Hands (Sheringham), Shortcuts Barber Shop (Nuneaton), Turning Heads (Leicester), Mojo (Rugby), Tangles (Bradford), Root 107 (Swansea), Geezer's Barbers (Sheffield), Finnegan's Gentlemans Hairdressers (Liverpool), Perfect Endings (Inverness), Manic Barbers (Ystrad Mynach), Bladerunner (Glasgow), Kuttin Kru (Rotherham), Cut n Colours (North Berwick), Barry's Barbers (Dublin), Hair by Andrew (Windsor), The Curl Company (Blackpool), Mirror Image (Wellingborough), Mr Stopps The Barbers (Birmingham), Crown Cuts Hair Salon (Maidstone), Taffy's Barbers (Swansea), Hair Indoors (Blackburn), Throckley Hairport (Newcastle) and 106 other salons nationwide.
Tube strike quiz: Only two of the following excuses given for strike action on the London Underground are true. I wonder if you can tell which two they might be? (n.b. 'true' is not necessarily the same as 'justified')
• Drivers on the Northern line are to strike because a 35 hour working week is far too strenous.
• Drivers on the Metropolitan line are to strike because 52 days annual holiday just isn't enough, poor lambs.
• Drivers on the Victoria line are to strike because they were all replaced by computers ten years ago.
• Drivers on the Waterloo & City line are to strike because driving backwards and forwards between the same two stations all day is so incredibly boring.
• Drivers on the Piccadilly line are to strike in a row over the demotion of a driver for passing red signal lights.
• Drivers on the Jubilee line are to strike in protest at having one of their trains repainted to support London's Olympic bid.
• Drivers on the Hammersmith & City line are to strike to demand that their line be reassigned any colour other than pink.
• Drivers on the East London line are to strike because they fancy a day off to go to the January sales.
• Drivers on the District line are to strike in protest at appalling facilities at Earl's Court station.
• Drivers on the Circle line are to strike because all that going round and round makes them giddy.
• Drivers on the Central line are to strike because Bob Crow fancies some publicity.
• Drivers on the Bakerloo line are to strike because being a tube driver means either clocking on before 5am or clocking off after 1am, spending your shift stuck inside in a cramped cab, coping with stroppy passengers who insist on holding the doors open, working weekends, risking dodgy track maintenance, coping when people throw themselves off the platform in front of your train... and because quite frankly you wouldn't put up with it either.
Manchesterford's finest soap opera is coming to the London stage. Victoria Wood has written a musical version of the legendary cardboard drama, and the show is due to open at the Theatre Royal Haymarket on 9th February next year for a limited 16-week season. The cast includes all your favourite Acorn Antiques stars, including Julie Walters, Celia Imrie and Duncan Preston, as well as top support from Josie Lawrence, Neil Morrissey and Sally Ann Triplett. And, sssh, but I have a copy of the script! And it's very good.
BABS: It certainly sounds like a genuine Picasso, Martin, but I'd have to see it to be sure.
The first act comes live from the rehearsal rooms at the Enoch Powell Arts Complex, Sutton Coldfield, where the producer is struggling to explain his modern plot revamp to a stupefied cast. There are a lot of jokes about haemorrhoids (and several references in homage of Crossroads), and the whole act is a fine sideswipe at the onward march of the politically correct. I will admit that, after a first skim read, I was a little concerned that the Acorn Antiques sparkle had been lost. But I needn't have worried because the fine detail is hilarious and sets the scene perfectly for what follows.
BERTA: Where's Mrs O? It's only the thought of her macaroons that's kept me going!
Act two opens on 'traditional' Manchesterford High Street, complete with wool shop, drapery, ironmongers, red pillar box and, of course, your favourite antique dealership. Mrs Overall (who'll be played on stage by both Wood and Walters) is at the very heart of the business, but even her teatray and fresh-baked parkin can't stop the onward march of progress. A series of Wood-esque musical numbers (nobody else could get away with rhyming sandalled with man-handled, or erogenous with old-codgerness) interweave with a moral tale about multinational retail franchises. And there are some unlikely romances, some long lost relatives and an awful lot of tweed into the bargain. I loved it.
BABS: What was that terrible noise? It sounded like a tray of coffee being dropped on someone who's just been electrocuted.
Devotees will be pleased to hear that the number of mentions of 'macaroons' is in double figures, including a song of their own and a starring role in the dénouement. I'd love to tell you more, but that would be desperately unprofessional. There are a multitude of exquisite lines in the playscript (like the one about Clarice Cliff, the one about fair-trade coffee and the one about wartime rubber shortages) but I've been well-behaved here and have only used quotes from the original TV series instead. But, on the basis of what I've read, I shall definitely be buying (bloody expensive) tickets for the play's West End run. It looks like a classic to me, Miss Berta, and no mistake.
MRS O: Why don't we all have a mug of my delicious home-made sherry and a couple of sausage dumplings?
Have you noticed how easy it is to write a book these days? Bookshops this Christmas are piled high with short novelty volumes knocked off by their authors in a couple of hours flat. These books usually feature one short phrase or home truth written in large font across the middle of every page, each surrounded by acres of empty space. And people actually buy these lightweight publications, presumably to give to people they don't care for very much.
So I thought today we'd have a go at writing our own book. In less than 24 hours. I can't guarantee it'll be on the shelves in time for this Christmas, but it might be worth us trying to get it published next year. I've decided that the title of our moneyspinning text will be The Little Book Of Four Letter Words and it'll feature just one four letter word in very big type on each page. All you lot need to do is to come up with your favourite 4 four letter words and stick them in the comments box. I've started things off. Let's see just how easy this authoring lark really is...
The following books were all websites this time last year. And now they're in print. And I've bought threeofthem. Great innit? I wonder who'll be on this list next Christmas? It could be you...
• A Nice Cup Of Tea And A Sit Down - website - book (£9.99, Amazon sales rank: 34)
• Change the World for a Fiver: We Are What We Do - website - book (£5, Amazon sales rank: 76)
• Law of the Playground: A Puerile and Disturbing Dictionary of Playground Insults and Games - website - book (£6.99, Amazon sales rank: 146)
• Modern Toss (featuring Mr Tourette) - website - book (£9.99, Amazon sales rank: 249)
• Minipops - website - book (£7.99, Amazon sales rank: 519)
• One Stop Short Of Barking: Uncovering the London Underground - website - book (£7.99, Amazon sales rank: 1477)
• Vitamin Q: a temple of trivia lists and curious words - website - book (£9.99, Amazon sales rank: 2306)
I'd carefuly avoided watching The XFactor, this Autumn's Pop Idol rip off, until last night. Last night I made the mistake of tuning in (well, there was nothingelse on). And, erm, popular music really is dead and buried, isn't it?
After thousands of auditions and eight weeks of on-screen balladry, the British public in their infinite wisdom finally narrowed down the contestants to one pub singer with a 70s soul fixation and one quartet of clean cut accountants attempting to be the new Flying Pickets. Which of the two won is irrelevant - the fact that seven million people voted is not. Every ounce of drama was squeezed out of the three hour broadcast, which was quite an achievement given that music had formed no more than half an hour of the so-called entertainment. The eventual winner will go on to clog up the Christmas singles chart with yet another unnecessary cover version (oh God, it's Phil Collins), while the runners up should be packing out end-of-the-pier shows for years to come.
I forgot to switch off the TV after the X Factor's choking finale and so my senses were assaulted by 'ChristmasMania', the latest in a long line of ITV lowest common denominator music shows. Donny Osmond (no, really) dripped platitudes to link together a conveyor belt of festive songs sung by Radio-2-friendly artists with albums to plug. Imagine the brain-sapping nightmare of non-stop Ronan Keating, Katie Melua, Jamie Cullum, Il Divo and Westlife. I know this sort of thing appeals to a mainstream audience, but I found it musically bland and unchallenging. The whole experience was offensively inoffensive - mechanically brilliant but creatively dead.
At which point I realised why I've fallen out of love with popular music. I'm a sucker for an original tune, not an original voice. I don't have a favourite singer, I just have favourite songs. I don't care how technically competent a singer is, I want them to be a great composer too. I get no thrills from a beautifully delivered classic, I want to be moved by something fresh and innovative.
Sure the music industry has always had its fair share of insipid mass market cover versions, but for every Robson & Jerome nightmare there always used to be a cross-generational smash. Just look back at the Top 5 I listed yesterday for the evidence. No more. And sure there's still plenty of creativity left in today's music, but it just isn't mainstream any more. No, I have seen the future, and it is primetime national karaoke. Popular music is indeed dead and buried. And I bet they play 'Angels' at the funeral.
1) (new entry) Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas: Straight into the top of the charts on this very day 20 years ago came the original version of the most important charity single ever. It sold over a million copies in its first week, and Dido wasn't singing on it which is why it was tons better than this year's AOR update. If you don't know the story of Band Aid by now then where have you been, but Chighas the details anyway. More here, here, here, here, here and here.
"It's a world of dread and fear where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears."
2) (new entry) Wham! - Last Christmas / Everything She Wants: This perennial festive favourite is the best selling single ever never to have reached number 1. Not that George minded at the time because he featured on the Band Aid record too. Last Christmas should have beeen a cheesy schmaltzfest nightmare of a record, but it still works perfectly as a bittersweet Yuletide anthem. I reckon, anyway.
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away."
3) (↓ 2) Frankie Goes To Hollywood - The Power Of Love: Forget Jennifer Rush and Huey Lewis, let's hear it for the scallies. This ultimate power ballad had just given Frankie their third number one single with only their third release, following up in-your-face sex and controversial politics with a sideswipe at religion. Simple it may have been, but simply brilliant.
"I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door."
4) (↑ 5) Paul McCartney and the Frog Chorus - We All Stand Together: You may have loathed it, or you may secretly have loved it, but this amphibian classic is undoubtedly lodged deep inside the child-centred part of your subconscious. The song was written by Mr McCartney for a Rupert movie that never quite materialised, but the magical video justly won the Bafta award for Best Animated Short Film in 1985. Altogether now - bom bom bom.
"Win or lose, sink or swim, one thing is certain we'll never give in."
5) (↑ 3) Madonna - Like A Virgin: Who was she kidding? This irresistable classic propelled Ms Ciccone to a national audience and kickstarted an astounding run of 35 consecutive top ten UK singles. She's still going strong 20 years later - as is Paul McCartney, as is George Michael, as are Band Aid (and even Frankie reformed last month). I bet this week's Top 5 artists don't have the staying power of these 1984 giants.
"You made me feel shiny and new, like a virgin touched for the very first time."
Christmas Alphabet word search: This word search contains 25 festive words, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet. Can you identify the whole alphabetical list from A to Y? (Sorry, I gave up on Z) (Answers in the comments box)
X-6
Bow Road update: You can't use Bow Road tube station today. You couldn't use it last weekend either, or the weekend before that. In fact, what with the Christmas weekend coming up, you won't be able to use the station on any weekend in December. Then there's three more weekend closures in January and another at the end of February, all of which makes for a prolonged period of travel misery for us Bow residents on top of all the late evening closedowns we've been suffering since March. And all because renovation work at Bow Road station is going on months longer than expected, and because it seems the only way to finally bring the whole overblown project to an end is to force passengers to find alternative travel arrangements at weekends while workmen try desperately to catch up. OK, so it's only a 7 minute walk from here down the road to Mile End, but it's the principle of the thing that matters. The chairman of Metronet admits that there have been problems...
Dear Mum and Dad,
Tube strike quiz: Only two of the following excuses given for strike action on the London Underground are true. I wonder if you can tell which two they might be? (n.b. 'true' is not necessarily the same as 'justified')
