Number One number 300 Knock Three Times - Dawn(May 1971)
You can almost see the taken-literally Pan's people dance routine now, can't you? This track was a teaspoon of early 70s kitsch that cruelly kept the Rolling Stones' Brown Sugar off the top spot. Dawn comprised moustached Tony Orlando and session singers Telma Hopkins and Joyce Wilson, but the group didn't actually meet until months after the single was released. The famous triple knock on the record really is the noise of the studio ceiling being hit and, on the third knock, of the studio ceiling falling in. I suspect nine million worldwide sales were enough to pay for a replacement.
"(knock knock knock) means you'll meet me in the hallway, twice on the pipe means you ain't gonna show."
Number One number 200 Help! - The Beatles(August 1965)
The 8th Beatles chart topper, recorded at Abbey Road a few weeks after I was born and the title song from the Fab Four's second film. The tune may sound happy and bouncy but the lyrics hint at drug use and depression, signalling a gradual shift in Lennon's songwriting from playful pop to meaningful reflection. Photographer Robert Freeman originally wanted the four lads to spell out the word "HELP" in semaphore on the album cover, but changed his mind for aesthetic reasons and they ended up spelling out nothing (except, maybe, "LPUS" if you view the cover in a mirror). Best of the centennial numbers ones by a mile, I reckon.
"But now these days are gone I'm not so self assured, now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors."
Number One number 100 Do You Mind - AnthonyNewley(April 1960)
Hackney-born Anthony Newley started out as a successful child actor, remembered particularly for his Artful Dodger. He slipped into popworld as a lyricist, but this particular song was written by fellow East End bloke Lionel Bart. Do You Mind followed in the footseps of Why to become the second of Newley's two number one hits and no, I don't remember how it goes either. Anthony went on to star in the West End musical Stop The World (among many others), married Joan Collins (among many others) and was (among many others) an acclaimed composer, a successful author, a Las Vegas crooner and a used car dealer in three episodes of EastEnders. An all-round London diamond and no mistake.
"If I shower you with kisses, if I tell you honey this is how I think of heaven, do you mind?"
Number One number 1
Here In My Heart - Al Martino(November 1952) The very first UK singles chart was the brainchild of Percy Dickens of the NME. He thought it would be a novel idea to ring up a few of his music business chums to ask them what was selling well, and so the Top 12 was born. The UK's first number one single was therefore an unremarkable ballad, but one which stayed at the top for a remarkable 9 weeks. It made Al Martino the chart's first superstar, and the American crooner relocated from Philadelphia to England to make the most of his new found fame. He's gone back now, of course, and you can hear 77 year-old Al tomorrow night performing his greatest hits live at the Sands Hotel in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Honest.
"Here is my heart, my life and my all dear, please be mine and stay here in my heart."
Last weekend Elvis Presley would have celebrated his 70th birthday, had he not been a fat bloated heart attack waiting to happen. In celebration (or as a ruthless money-making ploy) his record company are releasing all 18 of Elvis's number 1 singles at a rate of one a week, which is how the UK charts came to be topped by Jailhouse Rock on Sunday. This hip-swinging blast of rock is the title song from one of Elvis's better movies, was originally his second number 1 record and was composed by famous songwriters Leiber and Stoller. It has some slightly dodgy lyrics - "Number 47 said to number 3, you’re the cutest jailbird I ever did see" (just how many mixed US prisons do you know?) - but it would have made a perfect 1000th UK Number 1 single. Unfortunately it was only the 999th.
The return of Jailhouse Rock has broken several long standing chart records:
• Lengthiest chart-topping career: 47 years 6 months by Elvis Presley (from All Shook Up in July 1957 to Jailhouse Rock in January 2005)
• First record to be a number 1 hit twice (same version, same B-side): Elvis Presley with Jailhouse Rock (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and George Harrison's My Sweet Lord also hit number 1 twice but with different B sides)
• Most number 1 records: 19 by Elvis Presley (between 1977 and 2002 Elvis shared this particular record with The Beatles, who remain on 17)
• Most weeks at Number 1: 78 by Elvis Presley, again (comfortably ahead of The Beatles with 'only' 69)
• Lowest weekly sale for a number 1 record: Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley (which sold only 21262 copies last week, which is rubbish even given that it's the post-Christmas lull)
• First artist to enter the chart at number 1: Elvis Presley with Jailhouse Rock, back in 1958 that is (in the Fifties going in at number 1 was unheard of, now it's the only route to the summit) [seriously detailed number 1 related chart trivia here, and regular chart commentary here]
And so we turn to the race for the 1000th UK number one. Jailhouse Rock is a limited edition single so should slump from the summit on Sunday to be replaced by the magic millennial hit. There are plenty of 21st century newsingles out this week but no obvious chart-toppers, which leaves the way open for Elvis to replace himself at number 1 with the less than classic 'One Night'. You may not be able to hum it but it's already destined for the top, outselling its nearest challengers by a considerable margin. The widely-leaked midweekchart suggests that next week's top five will run as follows:
1 (new) Elvis Presley - One Night 2 (new) Manic Street Preachers - Empty Souls 3 (new) Killers - Somebody Told Me 4 (↓2) Steve Brookstein - Against All Odds 5 (↓4) Elvis Presley - Jailhouse Rock
Chig predicted this sorry state of affairs back in December, and warned us that Presley's posthumous domination might last right up until the end of April. But that's OK because by then the singles chart will have been reborn as a download-inclusive countdown and it's quite likely that nobody will give a damn about which act is on top any more. Which is a shame because the singles chart always used to say more about the zeitgeist of the nation than almost any other cultural phenomenon. diamond geezer will therefore be holding a wake for the single over the next few days by looking back over the centennial number 1s, leading up the the magic millennium on Sunday. It's the music that counts.
OK, I confess that one of the adverts in each of the above lists hasn't actually appeared this week during Countdown. Can you spot the four unscreened commercials? Have a stab in the comments box.
This is my first five-day working week for quite some time, and it's taking some getting used to. So to ease my pain I've been videoing chunks of afternoon television to remind myself that the cosy world of midweek inactivity isn't necessarily as rosy as I remember. Take Countdown on Channel 4, for example. Richard Whiteley's daily parlour game is always pleasantly undemanding fare, but its commercial breaks hint at an unhappy netherworld of immobility and financial insecurity. Here are some of Countdown's advertising lowlights so far this week, just to remind those of you reading this in the office that work's not all bad.
Monday afternoon, first ad break (3:13pm)
1a) Cash Builder Plus: "Can you afford not to save for your future," asks June Whitfield. "Just a small monthly payment could make all the difference to you and your family."
1b) Seven Seas Pure Cod Liver Oil Capsules: "Everyone needs healthy joints," says Terry Wogan. "Millions believe that these capsules relieve stiffness and help them to stay flexible."
1c) Stannah Stairlifts: "Leaving your home because you can no longer cope with the stairs can be an emotional and financial nightmare," says Thora Hird's replacement. "Trust Stannah to provide a smooth quiet ride."
Monday afternoon, second ad break (3:27pm)
2a) Churchill's Flexichair: "Helps you move around your house in comfort. Looks and works like a normal rise and recline chair. Available in a wide choice of fabrics and colours. Why struggle?"
2b) Vale Upholstery: "We take our time carving kiln-dried hardwoods and choosing exclusive fabrics ensuring comfort and luxury from the best quality threads and seamstress skills. Take a moment to enjoy hand carved traditional elegance."
2c) Werther's Original: "My grandfather was always an entertainer, and he made me smile when he gave me my first Werther's. I'll never forget that wonderful creamy taste. Now it's my turn to continue the tradition."
Tuesday afternoon, first ad break (3:13pm)
3a) Norwich Union Equity release: "The money would come in useful - help see the grandkids right, treat ourselves a little."
3b) Saga Motor Insurance: "We never really grow up but our driving does. That's why Saga can offer low cost insurance for people aged 50 or over."
3c) Vintage Vehicles: "Part one comes complete with this highly detailed Triumph Herald. Only £2.99 (normal price £6.99)."
Tuesday afternoon, second ad break (3:28pm)
4a) "I knew the industrial accident wasn't my fault. Accidents Direct proved it, and the £3000 compensation claim came in really handy."
4b) "Are you a homeowner who could benefit from an Ocean Finance loan, perhaps by reducing monthly outgoings by consolidating existing debts?"
4c) "If you have mild bladder weakness, Tema Lady gives you reliable protection. Three sizes to suit your needs, all are thin and discreet, reassuringly discreet."
Save time with the automatic "Response to the 2005 Brit nominations" blogpost generator
Have you seen the 2005 Brit nominations? . Who selects these shortlists? Take the Best British Solo Artist, for example. No way does deserve to be honoured, except perhaps for services to . What credibility can these awards have when there are categories voted for by listeners to or readers of ? Does anyone seriously think that made the best single of last year? And is not dead yet??!! Interesting to see in the Best British , Best British and Best British categories. I can't believe wrote one of the best 5 songs the last 25 years has to offer, but it would be to see winning that particular accolade. Surely must be in with a good chance of an award with 3 nominations, but dominate proceedings with . Personally I'd rather have seen the judges giving proper recognition at last. But at least there really is no sign of this year!! See you on 9th February.
If you've arrived here from the Guardian's Newsblog, hello. And don't worry, I don't always write lengthy essays about obscure London suburbs (just some of the time). Now, while I've got the Guardian's attention, could I make a plea about the nasty advertising leaflet that you tuck inside the G2 tabloid section of your newspaper every weekday? Every day the leaflet is different, but every day the leaflet attempts to sell me something that I'm not interested in buying. Every time I attempt to open my newspaper on the Central line this leaflet falls to the floor, and every time this happens I have to suffer the pointed stares of other passengers who think I'm busy littering the carriage. Sometimes I'm too embarrassed to pick up the offending leaflet, sometimes I can't pick it up because the train is too crowded, but usually I don't want to pick it up because the carriage floor is dirty (or wet) (or both). Not to mention that even if I do pick up this paper-based waste material there are no litter bins on the Underground into which it can easily be discarded. So, please, could you provide the kiosk outside Bow Road tube station with one special copy of your newspaper every morning which doesn't contain an unwanted wasteful junk advert? Many thanks.
Somewhere fictional: Railway Cuttings, East Cheam 23 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam, was the fictional home of comic legend Tony Aloysius Hancock. Hancock'sHalfHour remains the classic TV sitcom of the 1950s, detailing the everyday life of a Cheam resident with ideas above his station. The show was written by Ray Galton and Alan Simpson (who also wrote Steptoe and Son) and they brought us such classic episodes as The Blood Donor and The Radio Ham. As time went by Tony Hancock became more and more insecure with his fame, first sacking fellow actor Sid James and then taking to reading his script off autocue rather than memorising his lines. An ill-advised move to ITV followed and alcoholic Hancock was eventually depressed enough to take his own life.
But neither East Cheam nor Railway Cuttings actually exist. There's a North Cheam, but Galton and Simpson invented the fictional eastern suburb as the sort of posh place in which Tony Hancock might have aspired to live. As you can see in the photo above there are indeed railway cuttings in the area (these are on the Thameslink line) but there's no actual road bearing their name. I spent a half hour scouring the area's suburban streets looking for a suitable substitute. Beside the cuttings I found GroveAvenue, a short tree-lined road with pretensions of grandeur. One man was out washing his car but the remaining residents lurked inside behind twitching net curtains. Signs on brick pillars at each end of the street warned that this was a private road (residents parking only) and just walking down the street felt oppressive and uncomfortable. But the faded 1930s mock Tudor semi at number 23 (see photo) looked to be just the sort of place in which Hancock might have lived, and maybe his modern equivalent is still doing so. by train: Cheam
Somewhere sporty: Sutton United When grown men want to sneak away from their wives at weekends they don't go after loose women, they join football teams. The fitter blokes might end up in the squad but the rest just yell from the touchline every other Saturday or, even better, get a job in club management. SuttonUnited feels like the sort of team that such men might aspire to join, currently languishing mid-table in the NationwideConference South. Their ground at GanderGreenLane boasts a post-war grandstand and the legendary Rose's Tea Hut, but all that was evident on the pitch when I peered through a gap in the fence on Saturday was a large crowd of noisy seagulls. The team were preparing to play away so a huge white coach was standing ready to transport the squad, a few supporters and associated suit-wearing hangers-on to the afternoon's match at Redbridge. The coach was later involved in a minor road accident, delaying kickoff by 15 minutes, but nobody was hurt. I'm pleased to say that Sutton thrashed the opposition fivenil, the latest in a string of five consecutive recent victories, and I hope that all (cough) 158 supporters present enjoyed the match. by train: West Sutton, by bus: 413
Somewhere retail: Sutton I was somewhat surprised to discover that Sutton is a retail magnet, located as close as it is to both Croydon and Wimbledon, but the High Street boasts a huge range of shops that those of us living in East London can only dream of. Every chain store worth its salt has a presence and shoppers come from miles around every weekend to throng the pedestriansed streets and modern malls. I was impressed. On Saturday afternoon shoppers outside the St Nicholas Shopping Centre were being serenaded by a Chinese gentleman playing some sort of wailing one-stringed electric instrument. He was playing a tune that was almost identical to Rod Stewart's Sailing but wasn't quite, presumably for copyright reasons. You can see him in the photo being hassled by six mocking youngsters (they had loud whistles, the little scamps), but unfortunately I failed to capture the moment a few minutes later when another shopper stopped by and actually bought one of his CDs for a tenner. Further up the road a middle-aged man in a rainbow-coloured wig was folding balloon animals for stupefied toddlers, some brave lad had dressed up as Superman to hand out soon-discarded leaflets, and two dear ladies shaking tins for the RNLI were losing out big time to the tsunami bucketeers standing a little further down the street. Just another Sutton Saturday. by train: Sutton
So anonymous is the London borough of Sutton that I had to think really really hard to remember exactly where it was (below Wimbledon and west of Croydon, as it turned out). And that's where I ended up yesterday, scouring the borough to try to find some places of interest to report back on. And it was hard work because there really isn't very much in Sutton apart from people's houses, but I tried and I managed to find some places that were almost interesting. Part one today, part two tomorrow.
Somewhere famous: Croydon Airport It may not be famous now, but between 1920 and 1939 CroydonAirport was London's glamorous gateway to the world. Two WW1 aerodromes were combined to form London's first international airport, with scheduled flights to Paris, Rotterdam and Amsterdam. Imperial Airways was formed here in 1924 and the world's first terminal building was opened in 1928 (that's the one in the photo). Charles Lindbergh and AmyJohnson both flew from Croydon, and when Amy returned here having made the first flight to Australia by a woman she received a rapturous welcome. After WW2 the title of London's main airport passed to Heathrow because it was more able to cope with larger jetliners, and Croydon Airport was slowly run down before closing completely in 1959.
The western part of Croydon Airport was redeveloped in the 1960s as the Roundshaw housing estate. It's a million miles away from international glamour, more a poor collection of concrete blocks and Wimpey Homes gathered round a Co-op supermarket. You wouldn't live here. All the cul-de-sacs are named after famous aviators or aeroplanes, and the local primary school commemorates local hero Amy Johnson. To the east the terminal building still stands, refurbished as office units with a restored De Havilland Heron perched outside overlooking the main A23 road. The central part of the old airfield remains undeveloped, home to six football pitches, a nature reserve and a model aircraft flying zone. There were only kites flying in yesterday's high winds, but it was good to see the area's aeronautical tradition being maintained. by bus: 119, 154
Somewhere historic: Whitehall Not the real Whitehall, you understand, but a very old house in Cheam dating back to the 16th century. Some farmers lived in it. It's now a local museum. Sorry, but that's about as historic as Sutton gets. But the park at the bottom of the road just over the border into Surrey has a much more impressive history. It was here in 1538, on the site of a razed village, that Henry VIII ordered the construction of NonsuchPalace. This was to be a magnificent Renaissance showpiece, and eventually was, but unfortunately the exterior walls were so ornate that Henry died before they were completed. Charles II later gave Nonsuch as a gift to one of his mistresses, Barbara Villers, but she was eventually forced to demolish the palace to pay off huge gambling debts. There's nothing more than parkland on the site now, which is a shame, and the place merits no more than a small exhibition in the old farmer's house. by train: Cheam, by bus: 151, 213
Somewhere pretty: Carshalton Ponds You can always tell when somewhere suburban is pretty because it's full of people exercising their dogs and looking the other way when they foul the grass. In which case various parts of Carshalton must be very pretty indeed. There's an unexpectedly big lake (with ducks) near the town centre, at the western end of which is the Honeywoodheritage centre (pictured). To the north, past some more ducks, is an old watertower (open summer Sundays). And to the east lies Beddington Park, a very pleasant rolling green expanse and the source of the River Wandle. A faded sign at the entrance warns that 'Dogs are being stolen from this park', but the place was full of exercising canines when I visited so the owners didn't seem to be too worried. All pretty then, but not sufficiently so to go out of your way for a visit. by train: Carshalton, by bus: 407
Tomorrow: a sitcom classic, a struggling football team and a bloke playing with his organ in public
Random borough: It's time I took another random trip to one of London's 33 boroughs. I've visited three already so there are still 30 folded slips of paper in my special jamjar (at least until I select the next one). I could pick any of the remaining boroughs - inner or outer, north or south, urban or suburban, fascinating or dull. I just know it won't be Merton, Islington or Enfield because they're the three boroughs I've picked out already. Once I've researched my randomly-chosen borough online I'll head off and visit some of its most interesting places, assuming it has any. I hope to visit somewhere famous, somewhere historic, somewhere pretty, somewhere retail, somewhere sporty and somewhere random. And then I'll come back tomorrow and tell you all about it. Let's see where I'm going this time...
I've been wanting to see Jerry Springer -The Opera, for at least 18 months. I missed it when it was on at the NationalTheatre two summers ago and I've never quite got around to watching it at the Cambridge Theatre in the West End where it's been playing since September 2003. Had I been hipper and trendier I might even have gone to watch the fledgling operetta at the BatterseaArts Centre in February 2002. But tonight I can watch the whole performance on BBC2 from my very own sofa. And, quite frankly, I am appalled and outraged.
Jerry Springer - The Opera is obscene. According to a press release from pressure group Mediawatch the play contains more than 8000 obscenities (including 279 c***s and 3168 f***s). Mediawatch are outraged by this "highly offensive and continuous stream of obscene language ...causing very considerable offence to licence-fee payers". But then Mediawatch are Mary Whitehouse's National Viewers and Listers Association reborn so you'd expect them to be frothing rabidly at almost anything the BBC does. And they can't count properly. Apparently "the total number of obscenities is calculated by multiplying the number of swear-words by the number of people singing them". There are in fact only 11 c***s in Jerry Springer (each sung by a chorus of 27 people), but we'll not let this get in the way of outraged hype. You can hear much worse swearing in any secondary school playground. So I'm not appalled by the swearing.
Jerry Springer - The Opera is blasphemous. Any show featuring Jesus in a nappy is clearly blasphemous, and this seems to have enraged religious groups far more than the swearing. Never mind that the great majority of the 40000complainants haven't actually seen the show, nor that this show has been appearing in the West End for over a year withoutprotest - its appearance on prime time post-watershed television marks the debasement of civilisation and the end of the world as we know it. The BBC promise to give very clear warnings before the show is broadcast tonight, but any churchgoer could accidentally stumble across this profanity by switching channels at one minute past ten (this seems highly likely given that Billy Connolly is on BBC1 at the same time). But I suspect Christianity will survive intact following tonight's operatic Armageddon. So I'm not appalled by the blasphemy.
I am appalled that the BBC is screening a complete West End show before the end of its run. How dare the BBC damage the financial viability of London's theatreland by showing for free what would normally cost a group of four people in excess of the annual licence fee. It's difficult enough getting me to the the theatre at the best of times, but now I can merely wait two years, stay in and wait for these West End jewels to be broadcast on national television. My entire motivation for buying vastly overpriced theatre tickets has evaporated overnight. So, BBC, think again!! (And, er, can you screen Acorn Antiques- The Musical next please).
Recycling: I've now piled up all my Christmas cards ready to take down to Tesco (if only people had sent me more I could have recycled even more). And I've collected up more than 100 "I'll keep that because it might be useful one day" plastic bags which I'll be taking down to the recycling bins too. But Annie did even better - she offered an old iBook on donateapc.org and a homeless charity snapped it up within a few hours. Way to go.
detox: Having knocked my weight down by six pounds in 24 hours, and another two pounds 12 hours later, you'll not be surprised to hear that I've put that extra two pounds back on. Maybe breaking my fast with steak pie and chips was a mistake. But I'm still six pounds down, so I must still be doing something right.
london geezer: My 'London bits only' blog, lndn, was one year old yesterday, so it's appropriate (if somewhat surprising) that yesterday it also received its 10000th visitor. There's nothing new there, just all my London posts collected in one place, but Google (and a few of you) seem to love it.
Bow Road: It's been a quiet Christmas at Bow Road tube station, just a few more cables, a lot more station closures and the extension of all the official storage licenses until the end of May. So, there are just five months to go until the station is fully renovated, probably. You can check out my daily updates here or enjoy the whole story so far in one thrilling dedicated page, here.
Celebrity Big Brother (3): It's back, and it features him, her, her, him, her, him, him and her. I am already not interested. When does the next real series begin?
tea: I returned to work yesterday to discover, in my bulging inbox, an email from on high announcing that a kettle is to be installed in each kitchen area in my office building. Hurrah! My joy on reading this three week old email was curtailed only by the fact that the kettle doesn't seem to have appeared yet, but at least someone in the company has finally seen sense. I'm looking forward to getting my regular tea fix again, even if the "we're taking away your kettle because someone left a dirty mug by the sink" email can't be too far behind.
Stress: If the first week back at work has been too much for you, try taking it out on this. (via linkbunnies)
We produce 10% more rubbish at Christmas than at any other time of the year. How much of your Christmas are you recycling?
• The Woodland Trust yesterday launched its annual Christmas Card recycling scheme (45 million cards were recycled last year). Take your cards along to the special bins at Tesco or WHSmith before the end of January.
• If you've been sent any rubbish Christmas presents, a charity shop would appreciate them. Maybe not now while they're busy with other things, but definitely later. Find your nearest charity shop here. Next year, maybe buy recycled instead.
• Of the 6 million Christmas trees bought this Christmas, only 10% will be recycled and only 5% replanted. Your local authority or garden centre probably has facilities for turning old trees into wood chippings.
• Bottle banks also accept jars, like the 5½ million jars of mincemeat, 12 million jars of pickles and 6½ million jars of cranberry sauce the UK will have used this Christmas. Oh, and blue bottles should go in the green bank, apparently.
• If you got a new computer this Christmas, consider donating your old one here. And if you've been buying new furniture in the January sales, maybe your old furniture could be put to good use here.
• Make it a New Year resolution to use your local recycling centre. Find your nearest recycling centre here (I found 7 within a mile of my house).
• More everyday recycling info here, here, here, here and here.
We produce 10% more rubbish at Christmas than at any other time of the year. How much of your Christmas are you recycling?
• The Woodland Trust yesterday launched its annual Christmas Card recycling scheme (45 million cards were recycled last year). Take your cards along to the special bins at Tesco or WHSmith before the end of January.
• If you've been sent any rubbish Christmas presents, a charity shop would appreciate them. Maybe not now while they're busy with other things, but definitely later. Find your nearest charity shop here. Next year, maybe buy recycled instead.
• Of the 6 million Christmas trees bought this Christmas, only 10% will be recycled and only 5% replanted. Your local authority or garden centre probably has facilities for turning old trees into wood chippings.
• Bottle banks also accept jars, like the 5½ million jars of mincemeat, 12 million jars of pickles and 6½ million jars of cranberry sauce the UK will have used this Christmas. Oh, and blue bottles should go in the green bank, apparently.
• If you got a new computer this Christmas, consider donating your old one here. And if you've been buying new furniture in the January sales, maybe your old furniture could be put to good use here.
• Make it a New Year resolution to use your local recycling centre. Find your nearest recycling centre here (I found 7 within a mile of my house).
• More everyday recycling info here, here, here, here and here.
At noon today a three minute silence will be observed across Europe in remembrance of the victims of the Sumatrantsunami. I'm all for remembering with silence, but I'm not in favour of recent 'compassion inflation' whereby these silences are gettinglonger. Appalling though this recent tragedy is I wonder why three minutes are needed when we remember the millions killed in wartime action with 'only' two. I don't believe a nation's compassion should be measured by the number of minutes it can stay silent, it should be (and thankfully is being) measured by action. But I've done some research into the origins of the twominutesilence, and it turns out it started as a three minute silence anyway...
If three minutes is the new going rate for remembering disaster, then three minutes I'll gladly give. But, just to keep my three minutes in casualty-sized perspective, I'll be remembering the Western tourist dead for less than ten seconds and the local inhabitants for the remainder.
Number One number 300
OK, I confess that one of the adverts in each of the above lists hasn't actually appeared this week during Countdown. Can you spot the four unscreened commercials? Have a stab in the comments box.
23 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam, was the fictional home of comic legend Tony Aloysius Hancock. Hancock's Half Hour remains the classic TV sitcom of the 1950s, detailing the everyday life of a Cheam resident with ideas above his station. The show was written by Ray Galton and Alan Simpson (who also wrote Steptoe and Son) and they brought us such classic episodes as The Blood Donor and The Radio Ham. As time went by Tony Hancock became more and more insecure with his fame, first sacking fellow actor Sid James and then taking to reading his script off autocue rather than memorising his lines. An ill-advised move to ITV followed and alcoholic Hancock was eventually depressed enough to take his own life.
But neither East Cheam nor Railway Cuttings actually exist. There's a North Cheam, but Galton and Simpson invented the fictional eastern suburb as the sort of posh place in which Tony Hancock might have aspired to live. As you can see in the photo above there are indeed railway cuttings in the area (these are on the Thameslink line) but there's no actual road bearing their name. I spent a half hour scouring the area's suburban streets looking for a suitable substitute. Beside the cuttings I found Grove Avenue, a short tree-lined road with pretensions of grandeur. One man was out washing his car but the remaining residents lurked inside behind twitching net curtains. Signs on brick pillars at each end of the street warned that this was a private road (residents parking only) and just walking down the street felt oppressive and uncomfortable. But the faded 1930s mock Tudor semi at number 23 (see photo) looked to be just the sort of place in which Hancock might have lived, and maybe his modern equivalent is still doing so.
When grown men want to sneak away from their wives at weekends they don't go after loose women, they join football teams. The fitter blokes might end up in the squad but the rest just yell from the touchline every other Saturday or, even better, get a job in club management. Sutton United feels like the sort of team that such men might aspire to join, currently languishing mid-table in the Nationwide Conference South. Their ground at Gander Green Lane boasts a post-war grandstand and the legendary Rose's Tea Hut, but all that was evident on the pitch when I peered through a gap in the fence on Saturday was a large crowd of noisy seagulls. The team were preparing to play away so a huge white coach was standing ready to transport the squad, a few supporters and associated suit-wearing hangers-on to the afternoon's match at Redbridge. The coach was later involved in a minor road accident, delaying kickoff by 15 minutes, but nobody was hurt. I'm pleased to say that Sutton thrashed the opposition five nil, the latest in a string of five consecutive recent victories, and I hope that all (cough) 158 supporters present enjoyed the match.
I was somewhat surprised to discover that Sutton is a retail magnet, located as close as it is to both Croydon and Wimbledon, but the High Street boasts a huge range of shops that those of us living in East London can only dream of. Every chain store worth its salt has a presence and shoppers come from miles around every weekend to throng the pedestriansed streets and modern malls. I was impressed. On Saturday afternoon shoppers outside the St Nicholas Shopping Centre were being serenaded by a Chinese gentleman playing some sort of wailing one-stringed electric instrument. He was playing a tune that was almost identical to Rod Stewart's Sailing but wasn't quite, presumably for copyright reasons. You can see him in the photo being hassled by six mocking youngsters (they had loud whistles, the little scamps), but unfortunately I failed to capture the moment a few minutes later when another shopper stopped by and actually bought one of his CDs for a tenner. Further up the road a middle-aged man in a rainbow-coloured wig was folding balloon animals for stupefied toddlers, some brave lad had dressed up as Superman to hand out soon-discarded leaflets, and two dear ladies shaking tins for the RNLI were losing out big time to the tsunami bucketeers standing a little further down the street. Just another Sutton Saturday.
It may not be famous now, but between 1920 and 1939 Croydon Airport was London's glamorous gateway to the world. Two WW1 aerodromes were combined to form London's first international airport, with scheduled flights to Paris, Rotterdam and Amsterdam. Imperial Airways was formed here in 1924 and the world's first terminal building was opened in 1928 (that's the one in the photo). Charles Lindbergh and Amy Johnson both flew from Croydon, and when Amy returned here having made the first flight to Australia by a woman she received a rapturous welcome. After WW2 the title of London's main airport passed to Heathrow because it was more able to cope with larger jetliners, and Croydon Airport was slowly run down before closing completely in 1959.
The western part of Croydon Airport was redeveloped in the 1960s as the Roundshaw housing estate. It's a million miles away from international glamour, more a poor collection of concrete blocks and Wimpey Homes gathered round a Co-op supermarket. You wouldn't live here. All the cul-de-sacs are named after famous aviators or aeroplanes, and the local primary school commemorates local hero Amy Johnson. To the east the terminal building still stands, refurbished as office units with a restored De Havilland Heron perched outside overlooking the main A23 road. The central part of the old airfield remains undeveloped, home to six football pitches, a nature reserve and a model aircraft flying zone. There were only kites flying in yesterday's high winds, but it was good to see the area's aeronautical tradition being maintained.
Not the real Whitehall, you understand, but a very old house in Cheam dating back to the 16th century. Some farmers lived in it. It's now a local museum. Sorry, but that's about as historic as Sutton gets. But the park at the bottom of the road just over the border into Surrey has a much more impressive history. It was here in 1538, on the site of a razed village, that Henry VIII ordered the construction of Nonsuch Palace. This was to be a magnificent Renaissance showpiece, and eventually was, but unfortunately the exterior walls were so ornate that Henry died before they were completed. Charles II later gave Nonsuch as a gift to one of his mistresses, Barbara Villers, but she was eventually forced to demolish the palace to pay off huge gambling debts. There's nothing more than parkland on the site now, which is a shame, and the place merits no more than a small exhibition in the old farmer's house.
You can always tell when somewhere suburban is pretty because it's full of people exercising their dogs and looking the other way when they foul the grass. In which case various parts of Carshalton must be very pretty indeed. There's an unexpectedly big lake (with ducks) near the town centre, at the western end of which is the Honeywood heritage centre (pictured). To the north, past some more ducks, is an old water tower (open summer Sundays). And to the east lies Beddington Park, a very pleasant rolling green expanse and the source of the River Wandle. A faded sign at the entrance warns that 'Dogs are being stolen from this park', but the place was full of exercising canines when I visited so the owners didn't seem to be too worried. All pretty then, but not sufficiently so to go out of your way for a visit.
Random borough: It's time I took another random trip to one of London's 33 boroughs. I've visited three already so there are still 30 folded slips of paper in my special jamjar (at least until I select the next one). I could pick any of the remaining boroughs - inner or outer, north or south, urban or suburban, fascinating or dull. I just know it won't be Merton, Islington or Enfield because they're the three boroughs I've picked out already. Once I've researched my randomly-chosen borough online I'll head off and visit some of its most interesting places, assuming it has any. I hope to visit somewhere famous, somewhere historic, somewhere pretty, somewhere retail, somewhere sporty and somewhere random. And then I'll come back tomorrow and tell you all about it. Let's see where I'm going this time...
Bow Road: It's been a quiet Christmas at Bow Road tube station, just a few more cables, a lot more station closures and the extension of all the official storage licenses until the end of May. So, there are just five months to go until the station is fully renovated, probably. You can check out my daily updates here or enjoy the whole story so far in one thrilling dedicated page, here.
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