On the 10th day before Christmas... the race for the Christmas number one record begins
They're in the shops this morning, the top contenders for the most talked-about singles chart of the year. Who will top the Christmas charts next Sunday and live forever in a festive hall of fame? And can we stop the nation's pre-teens from buggering everything up again? Before we get too carried away, let's not forget that the Christmas number 1 is usually trash. For every Don't You Want Me there's a St Winifred's School Choir, and for every Stay Another Day there's a Mr Blobby. Can we fix it, or will we end up with something stupid? But I'm dreaming of a non-trite Christmas.
Out today: Mad World (Gary Jules): I've already waxed lyrical about this particular song, so let's hope the rest of the public do too. The original was first released in the year Renee and Renato larded over the Christmas number one position. Time for this haunting track to wreak revenge, I think. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (the Idols): Cynical bland manipulative cheesy saccharin shite. Sorry, I don't like this cover version very much. The original is currently number 33 in the charts - there's no justice is there? Signed Sealed Delivered I'm Yours (Blue featuring Stevie Wonder): Smash Hits top pop totty attempt to boost sales by linking up with a superstar who last had a top ten hit in the year Shakin Stevens was Christmas number one. Ladies Night (Atomic Kitten): Yet another cover version, as the three pop minxes attempt to get their career out of a hole again. In their hands the Kool and the Gang original sounds more like a night out overdosing on vodka spritzers. Proper Chrimbo (Bo Selecta): They're having a laugh aren't they? Oh yes, so they are, and deliberately too. A proper novelty record for once. I Love Christmas (Fast Food Rockers): And you thought Steps were dead? Sadly not. Primary-coloured dance routines for 7-year-olds. I hate I Love Christmas. Christmas Time (Dont Let The Bells End) (The Darkness): Lowestoft's finest camp it up for Christmas (and manage to slip in a sly reference to bell ends). Freddie Mercury (Xmas 1975, 1991) would be proud. Destined to be played in Top Shop every December from now on, and rightly so.
Out last week: Changes (Kelly and Ozzy Osbourne) (no 1): It's not quite Nancy and Frank Sinatra is it? I had the misfortune to see Kelly at Knebworth in August. Ozzy had the misfortune to see Wexham Park Hospital on Monday. Santa's List (Cliff Richard) (no 5): It wouldn't be December without a hit from Cliff. Pity it has to be this one, which sounds llike the blandest bits of all his old festive hits mixed together. Have a Cheeky Christmas (Cheeky Girls) (no 10): The sadly-more-than-one hit wonders continue to prove that you can flog a dead horse. These two talentless sisters entered the chart yesterday one place above Madonna (whose new single appears to be an immaculate misconception). Make Way For Noddy (Noddy) (no 29): In 2001 we suffered the Tweenies in the Christmas Top 10, in 2000 Bob The Builder, and in 1997 the Teletubbies. Thankfully Noddy doesn't seem to have inspired the nation's four-year-olds into record shops in quite such large numbers. Do let the bells end, please.
On the 11th day before Christmas... the decorations are going up, how many can you spot?
In the house
• A set of fairy lights, impossibly tangled and seemingly defunct (5 points)
• A set of fairy lights that work first time (100 points)
• An artificial Christmas tree that drops needles to make it look convincingly real (50 points)
• A real Christmas tree that still has any needles left by Boxing Day (25 points)
• An Advent calendar that still stops at the end of Advent (10 points)
• An Advent calendar that doesn't contain tiny slabs of cheap chocolate (50 points)
• An Advent calendar that does contain at least one religious picture (100 points)
• A full set of IKEA candles (20 points)
• A pine cone stuck to a squeezy bottle because Blue Peter said it would look festive (5 points)
• A window covered in spray snow that you'll never ever scrape off come the new year (10 points)
• A paper chain that falls down in the middle of the night and sets off the burglar alarm (25 points)
• A sprig of mistletoe hanging directly above the very spot where your auntie is standing (-30 points)
In the street
• Multi-purpose lights strung across the High Street that have been there since Divali, through Eid and on into Christmas (40 points)
• The council's threadbare attempt at a municipal Christmas tree, drooping folornly in a concrete precinct, decorated with three peeling baubles and some vandalised fairy lights (30 points)
• Snow-topped plastic lanterns and other Victorian-style illuminations hanging out of place in a 1960s shopping arcade (20 points)
• A neighbour's house covered by fairy lights, drawing huge crowds of onlookers and draining the National Grid (-20 points)
• One of those 7-candle stepped menorah things gleaming from every single window down your street (50 points)
• A house with the curtains wide open to show off the christmas tree to the street outside, but also inadvertently revealing the occupants shagging on the sofa (500 points)
On the 12th day before Christmas... the nation goes shopping, stocking up on toys
Toys aren't what they used to be. They used to be exciting bits of lovingly-crafted metal and plastic which we opened with eager anticipation on Christmas morning, then played with non-stop until next Christmas. Now they're just overpriced bits of metal and plastic which children play with once on Christmas morning, then hide in the cupboard until Mum chucks them out next Christmas to make room for the next lot. Or maybe they've always been like that. To see how toys have really evolved, here's a (highly-clickable) list of the British Association of Toy Retailers annual Toy of the Year awards. How many of these were you given? (and what the hell were they thinking in 1978?)
Me, I think I had a genitalia-free Action Man, and I definitely still have a Spirograph somewhere. My brother and I smashed up a whole caseful of Hot Wheels cars by running them endlessly down a set of plastic yellow tracks - they'd be worth a fortune by now if we'd left them in their original boxes. We must have had a ton of Lego, and the scary couple on the Mastermind box never used to frighten us off playing. Coming rather more up to date, my nephew overdosed on the Toy of the Year last year, and no doubt he'll still be looking back at his set of overpriced spinning tops with misty-eyed nostalgia in thirty years time. And I wonder which of this year's High Street contenders will be crowned King of the Toybox for 2003?
Thanks for coming to visit last week. You'll be glad to know that the bathroom floor is still clean and that a thin layer of dust has yet to reappear along the skirting board in the hallway. It may be chilly outside but my geraniums continue to bud and bloom spectacularly on the balcony, and the Christmas cacti are following suit indoors. I've now received a stunning total of four Christmas cards, two from the family, one from San Francisco, and one from that bloke I went to university with who now lives up in Norwich. I really should buy some Christmas presents at some point, if only any of us knew what we wanted.
While you were here you commented that BowChurch looked rather lost sitting in the middle of the road after dark, and wouldn't it be nice if they illuminated it at night so it stood out a bit and looked pretty? You'll be delighted to hear that this week local residents appear to have done exactly that, with a set of powerful spotlights now lighting up the outside of the church. It's rather pretty actually, and it looks like it's permanent and not just for Christmas. Next time you're down, I suspect you'll be impressed.
My microwave oven died at the weekend, and it was strange trying to remember how to cook everything without one. I must admit that jacket potatoes taste considerably better out of the oven rather than the microwave, but I'd forgotten just how slowly they cook so I nearly went out for a bag of chips instead. On Tuesday I could wait no longer and went out and bought myself a new microwave from Argos up the road in Stratford. It wasn't easy lugging a huge heavy box home on the bus, but thank goodness it's a door-to-door service. Within half an hour I had the new cooker plugged in and immediately spent two minutes heating up a mug of soup. With the microwave now most definitely switched off, I disappeared back to my computer for a warming drink...
A couple of minutes later there was a sudden loud fizzing noise from the kitchen, like the sound of a miniature firework display. I rushed back down the hallway just in time to hear a small pop and to see grey smoke billowing from the top of the brand new microwave. I managed to unplug the smouldering furnace, stop the smoke alarm from rousing the neighbours and reset my main fuse. I've not been having the best of luck with electrical stuff lately have I? Still, your apple pie warmed up a treat in the conventional oven. On Wednesday I went back and bought a replacement microwave (different make and model) which involved lugging the new deathtrap back to Stratford on rush-hour public transport and waiting around in every different queue Argos had to offer. I'm not convinced I'm going to find the special one-touch-lamb-joint-defrost button particularly useful, but at least the new microwave hasn't burnt the house down yet.
I hope you're both well, and that your kitchen appliances aren't trying to kill you. See you again in under a fortnight.
"Piles of grinning Santas on newsagents' floors herald the birth of the double issue Radio Times, that essential entertainment guide to the 14 days of Christmas. Can you spot where Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is hiding this year? Grab a pen, grab the family and plan your festive viewing, even though you know you'll all end up playing some interminable board game instead, missing that great film, that hour-long sitcom and that utterly crucial soap episode. Ah, if only anyone knew how to set the video. But don't worry, because they always repeat these Christmas specials in August anyway."
... and that's one of the 12 Blogs of Christmas you should find in the latest edition of Web User magazine (out today, all good newsagents, some bad newsagents, etc). The magazine version has alas been heavily edited (nay, halved) from my original to fit into 17cm² of page, as I suspect have the submissions of my fellow contributors, but you can read all the full versions online here.
What's on BBC1 this Christmas Day? pre-10am Shows for working class kids who didn't have many presents to open. 10.00 The religious bit, live from Milton Keynes, which is somehow very zeitgeist. 11.00 That fun but over-repeated cartoon about Robbie (Williams) the Reindeer. 11.35Morecambe and Wise, back from the Seventies when they were Christmas. 12.40pm Mr Disney wrongly thinks Tigger, Pooh and friends have American accents. 1.50The News, except there isn't any, apart from a grim house fire in Scotland. 2.00 Let's see how Andi Peters buggers up the Christmas Day Top Of The Pops. 3.00The Queen shows her holiday snaps and namechecks the Commonwealth. 3.10Dale Winton takes over Noel's dreams-can-come-true sugarfest nightmare. 3.55 Anne Robinson fills a scheduling hole by presenting the Weakest Compilation. 4.25 Oh dear, it's Stuart Little, that squeaky clean mouse with a cheesy tale. 5.50The News again, except there still isn't any, apart from a celebrity obituary. 6.00 Kat and Alfie's EastEnders wedding fails to go smoothly. There's a surprise. 6.40 Festive edition of the sitcom My Family... or just look beside you on the sofa. 7.10 A variety special, if you think Will Young is variety and Posh Spice is special. 8.30The News, except there still isn't any, apart from an update on Kat and Alfie. 8.40 More EastEnders, or turn over to ITV for the nightmare global-sized Pop Idol. 9.20 The last ever Only Fools And Horses. No, honest, they really mean it this time. 10.35 From Peckham to Beckham, or at least Ronni Ancona's Big Impression of her. 11.20The Thomas Crown Affair, but sadly the 1999 remake of the 1968 classic. 1.05am The other religious bit, squeezed to 5 minutes, hidden in the early hours. 1.10Airplane, but it's only the sequel, so Shirley it's not worth staying up for. 2.35News 24, struggling to make no news fill an entire channel. Merry Boxing Day.
Cup Routes: the capital celebrates
Bus O2: Marble Arch - Trafalgar Square Location: London central Length of journey: 1½ miles, 80 minutes
Forgive me if I report on just one more bus journey. The service on this particular route is appalling - passengers crawl through central London at about one mile an hour. The space available on the bus is wholly insufficient - travellers are left waiting ten-deep on the pavement. The fare to board the bus is out of most people's reach - one gold piece. Conditions on the bus are inhumane - there's no roof and passengers are forced to stand in freezing conditions throughout the journey. And the frequency on this route is abysmal - you wait 37 years and then three buses turn up at once. But yesterday this shambolic service was the most popular bus route in the country.
You'll remember England won the Rugby World Cup a fortnight ago by outperforming a handful of serious countries, some comedy also-rans and a few South Sea islands. It's not often we defeat the rest of the world at a sport we invented, so how better to celebrate than going for a short bus ride one cold grey midweek lunchtime. Three quarters of a million people turned out all the same, thronging the streets of the West End and blocking off all the shops. A trio of open-topped buses set off from Marble Arch at noon, the squad in the first, management in the second and media in the third. I thought I'd catch up with the procession as it passed through Piccadilly Circus.
Every space along the route was packed with people - office workers, beery rugger types, cheering pensioners and schoolchildren who really should have been elsewhere. It was impossible to tell when the bus was coming, the curved buildings of Regent Street blocking off the view and four helicopters drowning out any approaching cheers. Eventually the cheers drowned out the helicopters and the first bus edged into sight. The crowd went wild (well, wild-ish) and waved their free Evening Standard flags and Daily Mail placards. A mass of cameras, camcorders and mobile phones were raised into the air, simultaneously capturing the view and blocking it. The team breathed in the adulation and waved the shiny gold cup in the air. I think they smiled, but they were too small to see.
As the bus disappeared behind Eros, the crowd started to ebb away. Many of us poured down the sidestreets to intercept the bus again further down Haymarket. A bit of judicious squeezing saw me much closer to the action, ready for Jonny Wilkinson's second coming. I was now surrounded by ecstatic rugby disciples, a fire in their belly and a song in their heart (Swing Low Sweet Chariot, naturally, over and over and over). This time I saw the cup and the players close up, and even recognised someofthem. Nice suits, lads. Team coach Clive Woodward waved enthusiastically at me - me, the hardened rugby refusenik from school. I suspect he was waving at anybody by this point. Light showers of shredded paper fell from a few office windows, and the parade passed by again.
Trafalgar Square was absolutely packed - a bit like it used to be with pigeons, but with people instead. Had this been an anti-war protest, the police would no doubt have tear-gassed everyone by now. It was impossible for us latecomers to squeeze in far enough to see either of the giant TV screens, let alone the approaching buses. Loudspeakers broadcast a BBC commentary across the crowds, so at least we knew what we were missing. I left before the unctuous speeches began and headed off down the Mall, a good half hour ahead of the team, and against the continuing flow of of human traffic. I can't get excited about rugby, even if we are quite good at it. But, good try lads.
Some stuff I was too bussy to mention last week:
• diamond geezer gained its own favicon last week. That's the tiny 16x16 pixel playing card icon you might be able to see in the URL bar above, or if you bookmark this site. Or you might not. I've uncovered a few other blogs with favicons, including burnt toast, meish, blue witch, warming up, linkmachinego, oddverse, my ace life, planarchy and imperial doughnut. If you'd like to join the ten of us and get an icon, you could try out this site - it's nearly (but not quite) simple to do.
• The cynically festive 'Tis The Season has returned, for one month only. Catch it while you can.
• Less than a week after I mentioned the largest prime number so far discovered (213466917-1), some student only goes and discover a prime number that's even larger. The new record breaker is 220,996,011-1, which at over 6 million digits long is more than 50% longer than the previous largest. Full geeknews here, here and here.
• Less than a fortnight after my computer commited suicide, now it seems my microwave has decided to go the same way. It lights up, it turns, it buzzes, it pings, but nothing actually gets hot. Can anyone remind me how saucepans work again?
• So, what happened in the second week of All New Top Of The Pops? It was back to the normal half hour, kicking off with another cover version from Big Brovaz, then a soulless duet featuring Sting (who first had a hit before the presenter was born), two videos from Vicky Becks (alas the ensuing phone vote didn't allow us the option of neither song appearing on next week's show), two completely pointless Osbournes (nul points), and lighter-waving blandness from both Gareth and Will. Alas, Bottom Of The Pops.
• The government is considering giving 16 year olds the vote. According to ITV viewers, the Record Of The Year 2003 is Mandy by Westlife. I think the latter is all the evidence needed to stop the former.
On the 10th day before Christmas...
Dear Mum and Dad,
What's on BBC1 this Christmas Day?
Cup Routes: the capital celebrates
tiny 16x16 pixel playing card icon you might be able to see in the URL bar above, or if you bookmark this site. Or you might not. I've uncovered a few other blogs with favicons, including burnt toast, meish, blue witch, warming up, linkmachinego, oddverse, my ace life, planarchy and imperial doughnut. If you'd like to join the ten of us and get an icon, you could try out this site - it's nearly (but not quite) simple to do.
