Lesson 1) Health: Make the most of what you have - it may not last.
Thursday July 3: "I've recently had cause to reflect on my good health, fingers crossed. Over the last two weeks a disturbingly high number of work colleagues and members of my family have ended up in medical establishments being told things they really didn't want to hear. Good health is something the fortunate amongst us too often take for granted."
Lesson 2) Friends: Make the most of what you have - it may not last.
Tuesday March 4: "Situation vacant: Best mate (London/UK/Europe)
Reason for vacancy: Previous post-holder emigrated to America today, to take up leading role with partner in expanding small business."
Lesson 3) Work: Make the most of what you have - it may not last.
Friday March 21: "When the next spring equinox comes round I expect I'll have been moved to a different office, in a different building, on a different floor, with a different view of London, probably of a brick wall or a basement knowing my luck."
Lesson 4) Hardware: Make the most of what you have - it may not last.
Thursday November 27: "My computer's hard drive died totally and completely on Sunday night. The good news is that the hardware has now been repaired and is ready to collect. The bad news is that every single byte of data on the hard drive has been completely and irretrievably lost."
Lesson 5) Boredom: Make the most of what you have - it may not last.
Monday May 12: "Some people can fill their days many times over, never finding enough hours to get everything done. They wake up, the day passes in a blur of hyperactivity, and hey presto it's time to go to bed again. For other people each day is a potential avalanche of boredom. A featureless morning stretches out into an interminable afternoon, leading perhaps to a non-descript evening, this prescription to be repeated daily."
The 7am puzzle: What's the longest word chain of numbers you can make? Each number in the chain must start with the last letter of the previous number. For example: TeNinEighThree contains 4 different numbers.
Only one-word unhyphenated whole numbers are permitted, and no number may be repeated. In the event of a tie, the greatest number of letters used wins.
Top single Mark Owen: Four Minute Warning (reviewed Aug 31)
Yes, I know, I'm as surprised as you are, but it is.
Killer song, killer hook (killer subject matter).
Is there anything better you could watch on Boxing Day evening than a pantomime? Oh yes there is. Not to worry, I'd already set the video set to record The Office, so I was off to watch my 7-year-old niece starring in Norfolk's premier festive entertainment instead. Apparently there were some other semi-famous people in the show as well, although I never used to watch Bread so it was hard to be certain.
I was duly summoned to the front row of the upper circle to watch my niece take her very first faltering steps towards an Equity card. There she was milling around the streets of old Peking, folding clothes in Widow Twankey's laundry and parading sparkly treasure around the genie's cave. She was dead good, but then as an uncle I have to say that. She's also on first name terms with all the stars and a useful source of backstage gossip (last night Wishee Washee's trousers split on stage, so I hear). Thanks to her I was attending my first panto for almost 30 years.
Pantomime is a unique British experience. Nothing else mixes comedy, myth, romance and high camp with quite the same magic. If your career is on the way up, panto is something to fill in that worrying winter gap between Butlins summer seasons. If your career is on the way down, panto is a celebrity safety net, one last greasepaint refuge where you can still revel in audience adulation. Pantomime is also a very provincial artform. Nobody pantos in central London (hell, even Bonnie Langford can't get any closer than Guildford), whereas Norwich packs the audience in for a month.
From the poster outside you might have thought that the stars of the show would be the two actors from Bread and Corrie but oh no, the true stars of any panto are the dame and principal boy. Richard Gauntlett(Cannon And Ball, Time And The Rani, Beauty And The Beast) played Widow Twankey with camp aplomb, parading a series of outrageous dresses and winning over the crowd. Rikki Jay(Talking Telephone Numbers, Hamford County Primary School Nativity Play) as Wishee Washee combined an infectious cheeky grin with total audience rapport. The two of them wrote the show from scratch, ensured they got all the best lines and threw in deft ad-libs as required. Aladdin and his princess were merely sidelined romantic decoration. Perfect.
Highlights of the show included an acrobatic tumbling display, the lucky programme raffle and the finest Red Arrows formation display you'll ever see below 100ft. What's more there was actually a plot, never too far below the inventive silliness. Panto may not be high culture, but its enduring seasonal success provides provincial theatre with the essential financial lifeblood to survive. Long may it last. Me, I might even be tempted back next year, even if I don't get to hang around inside the stage door afterwards and accompany the star home.
12 unwanted presents
11 binbags of wrapping paper
10 toys without batteries
9 rainclouds drizzling
8 adverts for aspirin
7 furniture store sales
6 unopened boxes of chocolates
5 cold turkey dinners
4 extra inches on your waist
3 children playing
2 grandparents sleeping
and Aladdin at the Theatre Royal Norwich
On the day before Christmas... remember that Christmas is about The family
Mary leaned across the breakfast table. "I suppose we're going to have to stay with your family this year."
"Sorry," said Joe, "but Caesar Augustus has decreed that all the world should be taxed, so all us Davids are off to Bethlehem for the duration. At least we don't have to stay with your awful sister Elizabeth this year. She's been childless for so long that her so-called miraculous pregnancy is all she ever talks about now. And at her age! It's no wonder her husband's been struck dumb."
Mary looked down lovingly at the rounded bump bulging through her blue dress. "Well, this little one was a bit of a surprise too. I don't know quite how He got there, given that we've never, you know. I still reckon it might have been that Gabriel bloke who sneaked into my bedroom nine months ago, he could have spiked my drink or anything. It's conceivable, anyway. I shudder to think what your in-laws are going to think of you shacking up with an unmarried mother. Do we really have to go?"
"Afraid so," replied Joe, "there's no escape. It's the law, you know. Everyone must return back to their families this December, no matter how much they might not want to. My dad Jacob will be there, and all the grandchildren, and everyone else he's ever begat. You know you'll love it really, especially the big family meal. I'm looking forward to tucking into some ox and ass, or maybe a nice leg of lamb. Then we'll all sit round in the afternoon and listen to Herod's speech."
Mary shuddered. "I've heard terrible things about what Herod does to young children. I shan't be letting him lay a finger on my baby, that's for sure. Assuming He ever gets born, that is. The last thing I should be doing in my condition is heading cross-country on the back of a donkey. Why I ever agreed to marry someone who can't even afford a proper horse is beyond me. And everyone'll be out on the roads, heading back home to see the family, it's a surefire recipe for gridlock. By the way, did you manage to find anywhere for the two of us to stay in Bethlehem?"
"No, sorry," said Joe, "the whole town is already jam-packed full. Sounds like a multitude of shepherds have flocked there for some major hillside gathering. I even called round all the inns down the high street, but there was no room. Never mind, I'm sure we'll be able to make some sort of stable living arrangements once we arrive. You'd better pack some nice warm swaddling clothes though, just in case we're caught out. Now, what are we doing about sending presents this year?"
"I'm sore afraid," said Mary, "that I missed the last post. Never mind, I've arranged for three couriers to deliver some gifts from the East instead. It's the usual tat, just something shiny and a couple of smellies, but it's the thought that counts. I just hope those men are wise enough to follow the directions I gave them - I only asked for the one-star delivery service."
Joe smiled. "I'm sure it'll all work out fine, for the sake of that baby you're carrying. It'll be His first Christmas and we want it to be special. God knows what we'll call the little devil."
"Jesus, I don't know," sighed Mary. "Just promise me we're not going to spend next Christmas with the in-laws as well. Maybe next year we should fly to Egypt instead..."
On the 2nd day before Christmas... it's time to eat, drink and be merry
Eat Turkey: Why do we always buy giant turkeys at Christmas? We have to battle with mega-sized giblets, we're forced to get up at 5am to start them cooking, we can't fit them into the oven (especially at 5am) and we end up eating turkey in a variety of forms (curry, salad, pie, risotto, etc) right up until New Year. Why do we buy them? Because anything's better than nut roast, that's why. Sprouts: There's never any room on a packed festive platter to push these tiny balls of concentrated cabbage to one side. Maybe you could hide yours under that raft of parsnips you're not going to eat either. Christmas pud: After that enormous main course comes this flaming dessert... Christmas cake: ...and then stodge covered in bitter paste covered with sugar. Please no. Party nibbles: Ten years ago your visitors would have been happy with home-made sausage rolls and cheesy pineapple chunks on sticks. Nowadays anything less than filo-wrapped king prawns and spicy nacho cheese flavour bites is social suicide. Beware. Christmas hamper: If you can't face crowding into Kwik Save on Christmas Eve, why not ring up one of those nice companies who advertise mid-afternoon on Channel 4 and pay over the odds for a selection of not-quite-brand-name foodstuffs instead? Atkins Diet: No stuffing is allowed, but you are allowed to gorge on turkey, bacon, sausage, more turkey and a thick slab of lard. Dieters are advised that major weight loss may well follow, but generally only following your funeral. Turkish delight: Delicious, but if an old lady pops out of your wardrobe and offers you some, just say no. Creme Eggs: only 3 days to go :o)
Drink The drinks cabinet: You'll need to buy one of everything, just in case. Apart from the wine, which you'll need just in cases. Don't scrimp, otherwise that neighbour with the unexpected rum fixation may never speak to you again. Advocaat: Yes, sorry, there should even be one bottle of this right at the back of your drinks cabinet, just in case granny gets tipsy and wants a snowball. Maybe she doesn't realise that the bottle contains grape brandy and unpasteurised egg yolks as well as sugar. Lemonade: No matter how well stocked your drinks cabinet, the one drink that's sure to run out first is the least expensive. Go on, buy six extra bottles this Christmas, it need only cost you a quid. Champagne: If you're serving this at the start of your Christmas party, buy only the finest. If you're serving this at the end of your Christmas party, you'll get away with Pomagne instead. Mulled wine: That's proper wine ruined by excessive spice and overheating. Nice though. The pub: When you get tired of drinking at home, why not go out and drink the same alcohol at twice the price down the pub? The place is sure to be full of other people escaping from their families, so you'll have plenty to talk about. The club: When you get tired of drinking down the pub, why not go out and drink the same alcohol at four times the price in your local nightclub? The place is sure to be full of other people going out of their minds, so it'll probably remind you of being at home.
Celebrity Xmas shopping tips Number 2: Dermot O'Leary Seen buying: "A Killing In Paradise" 1000-piece mystery jigsaw Published by: Lagoon Games, £19.99 Where: Purves & Purves, Tottenham Court Road Also buying: a basketful of trendy goodies that took 5 minutes to pack Paid with: a black credit card Comment: my Christmas is complete
On the 3rd day before Christmas... the arrival of snow is anticipated
How fantastic it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, pull back the curtains and see the landscape covered by a thick layer of snow. All those nasty concrete outbuildings carefully blanketed, the footprints of robins scattered randomly across the lawn and Aled Jones frolicking in the lane with a couple of snowballs. Picture postcard perfect. We love snow at Christmas because it's the one day of the year most of us don't have to travel anywhere. We're already where we want need to be, the entire public transport network has already been shut down for the day and we couldn't drive safely anywhere after that pre-lunch sherry anyway. Any other day of the year and we'd all be cursing the nightmarish collapse all all local services but, on December 25th, 's no problem.
Will there be a White Christmas this year? Well, no, sorry, there won't. Even this morning, when snow was actually forecast, the streets of London remain resolutely grey. Alas, a snowy Christmas Day in the UK is a rare event. Even rarer is a 'proper' white Christmas, rather than the 'a flake of sleet will do' travesty of a definition that the bookies now use. December's always been a bit early in the winter for snow (January and February are rather more likely), and global warming threatens to make the entire 21st century a bit late in the millennium for snow too. White Christmases were rather more common here during the 'Little Ice Age', back when the Thames used to regularly freeze over, but the last London Frost fair was held as long ago as 1814. In the future any light sprinkling of white across the capital is far more likely to be the result of terrorist-induced nuclear fallout.
Only ten of the last Christmases in London have been white. That'd be 1916 (sleet), 1927 (snow, falling and lying), 1938 (sleet, but 15cm of snow lying on the ground), 1956 (snow), 1964 (snow), 1968 (sleet), 1970 (snow, falling and lying), 1976 (snow), 1996 (sleet) and 1999 (sleet). You may also remember a white 1981, but that year doesn't officially count because no snow fell on Christmas Day itself. Me, I remember 1970 well enough, which may be just as well because if I were any older I probably wouldn't be able to remember a proper white Christmas at all. Alas, today's children have probably missed out on seeing one for good.
The 7am puzzle: What's the longest word chain of numbers you can make? Each number in the chain must start with the last letter of the previous number. For example: TeNinEighThree contains 4 different numbers.
Top single
The Daze after Christmas
On the day before Christmas...
