diamond geezer

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Go West: the aftermath
• Draw a straight line on a map, walk along it and you'll sure to find several fascinating places along the way (in London at least).
• Bow to Perivale is a bloody long way. Take a look on a tube map and you'll agree.
• What looks like 12 miles on a map is definitely much more than 12 miles in real life, because I am not a crow and I cannot fly.
• Each blogpost took at least 15-20 minutes to write using predictive text on my mobile keypad. Much fiddlier than using a computer keyboard, and much harder to edit too. But I was pleased how few grammatical and spelling errors I made.
• My 10 hour walk could have been at least three hours shorter if I hadn't had to keep stopping to write emails (and another hour shorter if I hadn't stopped to take any photos).
• My mobile phone batteries gave up after writing and sending ten emails, so it's just as well that I didn't walk any further.
• Navigating though London by GPS isn't practical because the buildings block out the satellite signals.
• An awful lot of London is covered by ordinary houses where ordinary people live.
• My east to west walk really brought it home to me that East London is significantly less affluent than West London.
• I've reformatted all of yesterday's posts and stuck them in chronological order (with links) here. Because I can.
• Please take a look at a selection of the photographs I took along the route (or go back and read the posts you missed yesterday).

www.flickr.com
Take a virtual walk across London due west from my house.
Go on, you've got nothing better to do.

posted 00:10 :

Monday, June 13, 2005

GO WEST: Today I've been walking due west from my house, blogging live en route via my mobile

Go West (10) : Hoover Building
At last, after ten hours, twelve miles and 14623 pedometer steps, I've finally reached the first supermarket located due west of my house. It's a giant Tesco hyperstore and I'm currently sat on a bench in the car park resting my weary legs. Inside it looks like a very ordinary store but outside, along the Art Deco frontage beside the busy A40 it's a different matter. This used to be the Hoover Building, a stunning vacuum cleaner HQ built by Wallis Gilbert in the Moderne style in 1933. The facade is magnificent, white and imposing with tall thin pillars. Only the Tesco flags fluttering from the roof and a couple of signs on the front lawn betray the building's new function. I've wandered round with a small basket, stocking up on a few choice items that my local store no longer sells. And now, rather than hang around til nightfall to see the front of the building illuminated in light green, I'm heading home east via Perivale station. I think I deserve a rest, and some late lunch.

posted 18:49 :

Go West (9) : Park Royal Trading Estate
Londoners need to work somewhere, and they can't all work in shops and offices in the centre of town. That's one reason why the Park Royal Business Park exists, a vast swathe of warehouses and light industry where people can actually make things instead of just trying to sell them. McVities own probably the most famous factory, churning out millions of biscuits every day, while to the west stands Britain's only Guinness brewery, recently earmarked for closure later this year. There are hundreds of other businesses, including the small printing company where I worked during the summer after my A levels. They let me loose on the forklift truck, the mad fools, while the presses churned out cassette covers and ice cream tub labels. I remember sitting down by the canal to eat my lunch. It's clocking off time here now, so all the managers and workers are climbing into their Mercedes or Citroen Saxo Sports and heading home. Me, I have one last destination still to reach.

posted 17:31 :

Go West (8) : Willesden Junction
It's been a very long trek across inner suburbia to reach this remote rail hub surrounded on three sides by an expanse of tracks and overhead cables. I've felt inferior in St John's Wood, gawping at the expensive villas where every third house seems to have the workmen in. I've traipsed down broad avenues lined with council tower blocks. I've passed the top of the road where my great grandfather used to live, but his local shopping parade now sells Middle Eastern food and charity goods. I've ambled down quiet back roads where tiny children laugh their way home from school. And now I'm standing on this station forecourt surrounded by several blind commuters tapping white sticks - I think there's an RNIB office round the corner. It's strangely desolate, and one of the few times west London has felt as poor and underdeveloped as the east. Onward into the industrial heartland - quick, before my batteries give out...

posted 16:22 :

Go West (7) : Abbey Road
Yes, the legendary zebra crossing made famous by the Beatles on the front cover of their Abbey Road LP lies exactly due west from my house. The world famous black and white stripes cross the road beside a very ordinary road junction in the heart of posh St John's Wood. The neighbourhood drips wealth, and even the old ladies look semi-regal and sprightly (maybe it's the Botox). The Abbey Road Studios opened here in 1931, the opening ceremony performed by Sir Edward Elgar who went on to record much of his work for EMI in this converted house. But it's the Beatles for whom the studios will always be best known, and tourists and backpackers still make their pilgrimage here to stand in the middle of the road and recreate the album cover. In the 15 minutes I've been standing here one group of Americans have taken about forty photos, and another proud mum has camcordered her four girls striding across the crossing. I don't remember John, Paul, George and Ringo wearing pink croptops though.

posted 14:47 :

Go West (6) : Regent's Park
At last, out in the wide open space of Regent's Park, I can walk in a straight line. Having curled slowly round the back of Euston I can finally take a deep breath and inhale the smell of fresh-mown grass. The park's fairly quiet on a Monday, despite the weather, so there's just a few lucky souls (and their dogs) out for a leisurely afternoon stroll. The Telecom Tower stands guard to the south and the artificial hilltops of London Zoo to the north, while to east and west lie some of the most imposing mansions in the capital. A wrinkled old gentleman is sunbathing topless three benches to my left, while the tanned muscled gardener hoeing the flowerbed in front of me has half his white designer underwear on full display. A bit further down the path a big black crow is trying desperately to sip the dregs from a cheap discarded can of cider. The chaos of Kings Cross suddenly feels a very long way away. Wish you were here?

posted 14:04 :

Go West (5) : King's Cross St Pancras
My westbound walk has led me down the Pentonville Road and straight through the forecourt of King's Cross station. After 5 miles of relative calm now London is heaving with lunchtime activity. Suited travellers stand transfixed by the giant destination board, gobbling down a baguette before heading off north to Leeds or Edinburgh. There are suitcases everywhere and you can't walk far without having a Standard Lite thrust into your hand. Outside the regeneration of the area is in full swing, temporary walkways guiding bewildered passengers around the station. The clock tower at St Pancras stands proud above the melee in the crane-dominated sky. Workmen sit outside in helmets and luminous jackets, lounging in the sun before returning to work. An exhibition in the German Gymnasium beside the station shows (in models) how the area should end up but, judging by the enormous building site round the back, there's a heck of a lot to do before the first Eurostar glides in in 2007.

posted 13:07 :

Go West (4) : Sadler's Wells Theatre
After a long slog through the arse end of Hoxton (don't let anyone tell you it's all trendy) I've finally reached the golden streets of Islington. Walking up the City Road towards the Angel there were the first signs along my journey that not everyone in London lives in relative poverty. Upmarket fishmongers, well-kept terraced houses, designer shopping bags and that wholly middle class icon, a world-renowned theatre. The first Sadler's Wells opened here in 1683, but the shiny glass and brick structure in front of me is the 7th theatre to stand on the site, opened just nine years ago. I visited the 6th Sadler's Wells only once, as a child, to be spellbound by a D'Oyly Carte production of The Mikado. A couple of schoolfriends and I sat high in the upper circle watching the ornate Japanese maids' chorus below and struggling to follow the plot. The theatre's dark today, which is just as well because the police have just cordoned off the top of Roseberry Avenue with red tape.

posted 11:57 :

Go West (3) : Columbia Road Flower Market
I'm back exactly where I was yesterday, sat in the sunshine on a small bench in a tiny park off Columbia Road. But the street is very different this morning. The flower market has gone, the road is full of parked cars and the pavements are empty. All the twee boutiques and eateries and locked and barred, and the only hubbub comes from playtime at the neighbouring school. In the park the pigeons flap and coo, and a couple of girls wearing pink headscarves rock idly backwards and forwards on the red swings beside the climbing frame. Monday morning in the middle of the East End is like an eerie ghost town, inhabited by pensioners, mothers, students, tradesmen, skivers and the unemployed. They wander the streets, shopping bag or can of lager in hand, passing the day away until the rest of the world comes home from work. Right now, as the sun beats down over the tower blocks onto the drought-bleached grass, this quiet oasis is a world away from the busy Sunday morning rush hour.

posted 10:42 :

Go West (2) : Bethnal Green Museum of Childhood
After a long walk through the terraces of Bow (on dustbin day - not recommended) and the highrise estates of Globe Town (not recommended full stop) I've reached busy Bethnal Green. I'm sat outside the V&A's easternmost outpost, the redbrick Museum of Childhood. This three-gabled iron-framed building started off in South Kensington but was relocated here in the 1860s. It evolved first into a repository of childhood ephemera, and more recently into a politically correct hands-on experience for hyperactive 7 year-olds. They're just opening up at the moment, cleaning the front step as the first school party of the day arrives. Outside, along Cambridge Heath Road, modern mums push toddlers in market-bought baby buggies, and late commuters sleepwalk their way into work. I could stop and take a look inside but I really don't have the time (and anyway, I'm reliably informed that the lacklustre displays inside really aren't worth the effort).

posted 09:57 :

Go West (1) Bow Church
Today I've decided to walk due west from my house, reporting back regularly from along the route via my mobile phone. Because I can, OK? I've got maps and a GPS device to make sure I walk as precisely west as possible, though I suspect I'll have to take a few detours to stay on track. My westward route takes me through the heart of the East End, across the top of central London and out into the NW suburbs. I have an end point in mind at a famous Art Deco supermarket, but that's over 10 miles away so we'll see if I get that far. I've decided only to blog about places which are exactly due west of my house, which means (just) missing out on Hoxton Square, the British Library and the Hanger Lane Gyratory System. But there's plenty of other fascinating stuff en route, starting with the historic 14th century church bang outside my house. The Bow Bells are silent this morning as the rush hour traffic streams noisily past on either side. Time to send my first email, then head off west...

posted 08:28 :

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Mo blog ging: Most people blog from home or work, but I've just discovered the delights of blogging from anywhere, via my mobile. Yes, I know I'm years behind the times, but bear with me. Blogger offers a dedicated Mobile service although I didn't use that, I used their splendid Mail-to-Blogger service instead. At 11:34am I sent an email to Blogger via GPRS from my phone while I was standing two miles from home in the middle of Columbia Road Flower Market. And that email published instantly on my blog, below. Brilliant. OK, it's not all perfect - I can't format any text, I can't add links, I can't attach photos (like this one) and there seem to be two unnecessary blank lines at the bottom of the post - but it's good enough for me. It felt most unusual inputting a blogpost using predictive text on a tiny screen, restricted to no more than 1000 characters and knowing that I couldn't edit anything until I got home. But this does now mean that I can blog from anywhere with a mobile signal, even when I'm not anywhere near a computer. Which opens up some interesting possibilities...
...so tomorrow I'm hoping to use this technology rather more ambitiously. I plan to go for a very specific walk across London, hopefully rather a long one, and to report back to you regularly along the way. You'll be able to track my progress along the route should you so wish, complete with genuine spelling mistakes. See you tomorrow morning.

posted 13:00 :

Moblog: Columbia Road Flower Market
I'm emailing this post live (via my mobile) from East London's premier flower market. Every Sunday a short stretch of this quiet backstreet is crammed with stalls and traders selling a splash of rural colour to hordes of urban gardeners. The street is jam-packed and narrow, and not easy to negotiate when you're carrying a small tree on your head. Lilies and peonies are popular (two for a tenner!) or maybe a bargain bouquet of fuchsias (only eight quid) or perhaps an overflowing tray of bedding plants (to you dear, a fiver). Traders hawk blooms as if they were flogging a stack of plates in a normal market. It's like having a garden centre in the middle of the East End but without the patio slabs, water features and concrete gnomes. And at each end of the market couples and families wander off home clutching carefully wrapped blooms and bushes, ready to stick on the balcony or plant in their tiny gardens. Saves all the effort of actually growing anything themselves, I guess.

posted 11:34 :

Prince William has a better degree than I do.
I feel somewhat devalued.

posted 02:01 :

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf
Big bad wolf, big bad wolf?
Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?
Tra la la la la

posted 00:12 :

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Ode to MK

O Milton Keynes, how green thou art,
A settlement of plenty,
The concrete cows sing out thy praise,
New town for a new century.

Where motorway meets grand canal,
Where fields once waved with wheat,
Now houses fill each blessed plot,
Suburbia complete.

Oldbrook, Down's Barn, Fishermead,
New Bradwell, Crown Hill, Brinklow,
Monkston, Blakelands, Walnut Tree,
Two Mile Ash, Conniburrow.

Roads crisscross through this urban void,
A snake-like tarmac maze,
The roundabouts all look the same,
You drive through in a daze.

The football team are London scabs,
The mall is clone shop hell,
The cinema's no Point no more,
The streetlife's flat as well.

I came to MK yesterday,
I thought the trees were pretty,
But it was still a joy to leave
This artificial city.

posted 09:00 :

Friday, June 10, 2005

Big Brother 6
1) It's all kicking off in the Big Blogger House, where 15 blogebrities (including mike off my blogroll) are being holed up for 7 weeks for our interactive pleasure. W h o wi n s? Y o u d ec i d e.
2) Past housemates who still have websites: BB2 Brian, BB2 Elizabeth, BB2 Stuart, BB3 Kate, BB3 Alex, BB4 Gos, BB4 Jon, BB4 Sissy, BB5 Michelle & Stu
3) Find out what the BB1-BB4 housemates have been up to, here.
4) Good things about Big Brother: I still use my Teabagbin every day. Thanks Dean & Stu.
5) Eviction favourite Lesley has a vacuous MSN profile here, just in case you want to add her to your Messenger list. "Hobbies and Interests: dancin, swimmin, singin, music, playin games ....but only wiv the rite players lol, jumpin in puddles hehe" (via Casino Avenue)
6) My most clicked-on link over the last week: bigbrothergirls.com (117 clicks), sigh.

Housemate cliques:

Team Britney
Craig
~~Lesley~~
Vanessa Lads & ladettes
Maxwell
Anthony
Saskia
Lauds & ladies
Derek
Kemal
Makosi

not very cliquey: Roberto Sam Science

posted 07:00 :

Gallowatch
• "If Respect is able to save this fire engine by stopping the authority taking it away, that's exactly what we'll do. They will be forced to take that machine out over the bodies of those who have come to defend it. The same people killing Iraqis are taking our fire engine away, and they're doing both for the same reason." (Bethnal Green fire station, 07/06/05)
• "The borough of Tower Hamlets runs its elections in a way that would disgrace a banana republic. It became clear to us during the course of the campaign that somebody was involved in a major operation to bloat the electoral register with non-existent electors as part of a dirty tricks operation. Tower Hamlets council is in the grip of a corrupt political culture run by New Labour, ruthlessly using bullying, blackmail, postal votes operations - all the black arts you could imagine." (Electoral Review Committee, London Assembly, 08/06/05)
• "This is an opportunity for audiences to meet the real me - not the fictional character invented by the media. People can hear the true story of my life, about my beliefs and passions and discover the truth for themselves. I am looking forward to a lively Q&A session with theatregoers - who are free to ask me anything. It promises to be a great evening" (Promotional leaflet for "An Audience with George Galloway" at the Customs House, South Shields, 23/06/05, admission £12.50)

posted 06:59 :

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Carbon neutrality

Until recently I thought I was living a blameless life as a caring global citizen. But no. Instead I have come to realise that I must bear the guilty burden of forty years of unintentional eco-terrorism. My thoughtless actions are slowly destroying the planet on which I live, and I must make amends. My life, alas, is not carbon neutral. Everything that I do pumps CO₂ into the atmosphere. Electricity consumption, air travel, heating my water, taking the train - it all adds up and it all contributes inexorably towards irreversible global warming. Feel my shame.

I've been brought to my enviromental knees by the recently-released eco-plans of several upstanding public bodies. The government has pledged to offset the carbon impact caused by international flights to the upcoming G8 summit by donating £50000 to green projects in Africa. How worthy. And those jolly nice hype-free blokes in Coldplay have produced a carbon neutral album by planting sufficient trees to cancel out the CO₂ generated by pressing hundreds of thousands of copies of their latest CD. How genuine. Admittedly this is nothing new - top pop group B*witched were busy planting trees in Holland Park as long as six years ago. But going carbon neutral has become the modern path to ethical responsibility - even more worthy than wearing a coloured wristband - and I can no longer stand idly by.

Several companies have sprung up to help consumers to attain carbon neutrality. How selfless.
• Future Forests offer to help you to calculate your personal carbon deficit and then plant trees on your behalf. For example, a long haul flight from London to Australia creates 3¾ tonnes of CO₂, which can be offset by planting 5 trees at a cost of just £50. How inspirational.
• Carbonfund pledge to offset your personal carbon footprint by "buying up carbon dioxide credits from sources around the world and retiring the emission credits". Just send them some money and let them ease your conscience. How credible.
• Climate Care meanwhile are busy investing in several worthy environmental projects around the world. Tell them your personal habits and you can repay your carbon debts online, or even pay off someone else's carbon debts as a gift instead. I owe them at least £75 apparently. How criminal of me not to have noticed before.

So I've decided that diamond geezer must become the world's first carbon neutral blog, starting today. Here's how.

• Every kilowatt hour of generated electricity emits approximately 0.4 kg of CO₂ into the atmosphere.
• Home computers (with monitors) use approximately 0.2 kilowatts of electricity every hour.
• I get about 400 visitors each day, and let's assume they all stay here and read my blog for two minutes.
• That means that your blog visits are damaging the environment at the rate of 0.4 × 0.2 × 400 ÷ 60 × 2 = 1 kg of CO₂ each day, near enough. Which is just over a third of a tonne a year.
• One tree offsets approximately one tonne of CO₂ throughout its lifetime.
• I can therefore offset your blog visits by planting one tree every three years.

I hereby pledge to make diamond geezer carbon neutral by planting a tree on Monday 9th June 2008.

You too can assist global recovery by making a few simple environmental savings, like not using your washing machine until it's full, switching off your phone recharger and riding a bike to work. Quick, before the Maldives disappear. Me, I'm sitting here in the dark.

posted 07:00 :

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Welcome to the Creative Lounge [3]
Take a seat. Take a deep breath.
Now, try flexing your creative muscle...

See if you can come up with a few perfectly crafted names for the following.
I started you off, and now I've added some of your best ideas. Any more?

Surnames
Many surnames are derived from the professions of our long lost ancestors, eg Smith, Taylor, Miller. But what if surnames were based on modern professions instead? Your suggestions please.
Modern surnames: Grillburger, Pierce, Consultant, Browplucker, Bailiff, Joyrider, Holistic-Therapist, Loanshark, McFryer, Van Rental, Blogger, Keystroke, Doley-Scrounger, Outsourcer, Analyst, Specialist.

Place Names
Many place names are derived from longstanding local landmarks, eg Newcastle, Salt Lake City, Southend-on-Sea. But what if place names were based on modern environmental features instead? Your suggestions please.
Modern cities: Builton, Greater Asbo, Flatchester, Innittown, Chavvington Uppergiro, Stabbington.
Modern towns: Little Prospects, Hellmouth, Downmarket, Bigotton, Boredom-on-the-Dole, Dormaton, Chipping Parkanride, Landfillville.
Modern villages: Nimby, Fonemast Green, Slurry Deep, Runway, Much Soughtafter, Houseprice-Bubble-on-the-Wold, Bypast.

Live 8
Live8 may be a good idea, but Sail8, that's just silly. What further ludicrous protests might Bob Geldof come up with to try to influence the G8 Summit in Gleneagles next month? Your suggestions please.
8Events: Blind8 (matchmaking for the visually impaired), Sed8 (concert featuring bland artists like Dido, Michael Bublé and Joss Stone), Asphyxi8 (see previous description), Overw8 (campaign for obese Americans to send food parcels overseas), SALive8 (the South African Live8 concert - mouthwatering), Pontific8 (should the Roman Catholic Church support St. Bob or not?), InTxt8 (SMS campaign urging you to include Sir Bob's pet charity in your will), Extermin8 (Dr Who convention), Discrimin8 (just to show that some are worse off than others), Intoxic8 (Get Pissed For Africa), Flagell8 (S&M for Poverty), Fornic8 (promoting the missionary position), Impregn8 (combatting population decline in the developed world), Gest8 (nine month campaign following the previous event), Anticip8 (a peculiarly British protest where you just queue up outside the G8 conference in Edinburgh and wait for something to happen), Vacill8 (the mostly likely outcome of the G8 Summit).

posted 07:00 :

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