So, I spent the whole of February counting certain things that happened to me and reporting back here on how the count was going. It unnerved a few people in the office who couldn't quite work out why I either knew or cared that I was drinking my eighth cup of tea of the day. It unnerved my Mum, who's finally been able to keep tabs on how often I've been going out and what I've been (hic) up to. And it unnerved me, because I had hoped some of those counts would have been higher, and that some wouldn't have been as high as they turned out. Anyway, you'll be thrilled to know that the final results are now in. One month, twenty-eight days, four weeks, ten counts and three thousand tally marks.
Count 1 (Blog visitors): More than two thousand people have logged in to diamond geezer in the last month (that's about 75 a day, for those of you who care... which would be just me then). Thanks if you've been one of those two-thousand-plus because it's good to know there's an audience out there, particularly when that audience is higher than BBC Three's getting. A special hello to my visitor from Icelend, and a reticent howdy to the official who surfed in from somewhere inside the US government - Osama's not hiding here, OK? Total number of visitors to this webpage in February: 2141
Count 2 (Google searches): Google searches are like a window on the soul. When you type your secret search request into that little box you no doubt desperately hope that nobody else will ever find out the object of your inquisitive desires. Unfortunately, those of us with webpages get to find out with alarming regularity. So, to the people who landed here searching for "aled jones songs between 1980 to 1985", "artist grandad we love you" and "steam engine blue prints downloads free", I know the name of an excellent psychologist. And be careful what you type in future. Total number of search engine referrals to this webpage in February: 316
Count 3 (Blog content): OK, so I was wrong that you're only allowed to post 100KB of data a month on a Blogger blog without them charging you extra. That would be silly. And I'd not noticed because I hadn't exceeded 100KB before, until this month. I have at last succeeded in posting "substantially more than the vast majority of bloggers publish". Not bad for the shortest month of the year - and let's see if I can do even better in March. Total number of kilobytes of diamondgeezer in February: 108
Count 4 (Spam): I never really liked Spam, nasty slab of reconstituted meat that it is. School dinner ladies used to batter it and serve it up when they'd run out of other ideas... which would have been every other Thursday as I remember. Alas, modern spam is just as unwelcome, and arrives far more regularly. Spam, spam, spam, proper email, spam, spam, fried eggs and spam. Just the thirty this month here thankfully, but over half of those in the last week, which I suspect is not a good omen for the future. Total number of spam emails I received in February: 30
Count 5 (Nights out): Two years ago, when I was living in Ipswich, I spent three nights out during the whole of February. Now, as an EastEnder, that total's shot up to three weeks. It seems a little unfair to be paying three times the rent in London merely to be out of the flat for so much of the time but, to be honest, that's one of the reasons for living here. My monthly count's included two films, one musical, two gigs, five clubs, a fair few pubs and a depressingly poor attempt at ten-pin bowling. I suspect March won't be able to live up to that total, but I shall have fun trying. The number of nights in February I went out and was vaguely sociable: 21
Count 6 (Alcohol intake): Hmm, that's quite a lot then - 16 litres in total, and roughly two bottles a day on average. Just in case you reckon I'm a complete alcoholic, I'd like to assure you that the total number of non-Becks-related alcoholic drinks I consumed in the last month was only two. Sadly that may just have convinced you instead that I have no taste. Total number of bottles of Becks I drank in February: 58
Count 7 (Tea intake): Tannin's my real addiction, then, averaging five cuppas a day. We do tea properly in our office, with a teapot and everything. Us tea drinkers get five minutes gathered round the pot to take a break and have a good gossip, whereas the coffee drinkers have to go out into the rain to Starbucks to spend thirty times as much on a posh latte with all the caffeine removed. Mine's a milk with no sugar, no wet hair, no hole in the bank balance and no stained teeth, cheers. Total number of cups of tea I drank in February: 135
Count 8 (Trains used): Some people (car drivers mostly) hate travelling on trains. Trains are slow, overcrowded, underfunded, overpriced and you just have to sit there stationary in a tunnel while the driver reminds you for the two hundredth time that there is no service on the Central Line at the next station. Me, I'm happy to let someone else do the driving, giving me a chance to read the newspaper on the way to work, eye up the talent and and laugh off the Congestion Charge. Well trained, that's me. Total number of trains I travelled on in February: 103
Count 9 (Exercise taken): Why do people stand on escalators? More to the point, how dare people stand on escalators, with umbrellas, shopping bags, small children, suitcases, even pushchairs, all blocking the way of us serious escalator-walkers. It's great exercise, and in the last month I've walked up the equivalent of the new World Trade Center that they haven't built yet. Meanwhile, for all those of you who seem to enjoy standing on escalators, head buried deep in a fitness magazine, I'm more than happy to continue to walk straight past you. Total number of escalators I walked up in February: 73
Count 10 (Mystery count): A whole month, and my mystery count hasn't even made it to one. There was a moment when I thought it might, but no, there's been nothing mysterious to count here all month. Obviously, had the total crept off zero at some point, I would have told you, dear reader, exactly what it was that I was counting. As it is, just be reassured that a count of zero isn't always a bad thing... Total number of times that the mystery event happened in February: 0
TV programme of the month: A series about football with no football in it? Footballers' Wives is quite the worst idea anyone's ever had for a TV drama, and therefore it works brilliantly. Clothes horses and amoral fashion victims more like. Poor old Kyle and Chardonnay have had nothing much to do this series, except provide a stream of public service information about hermaphrodite babies. Jason and Tanya, however, have been having a whale of a time with tacky plots and ludicrous dialogue. Neanderthal man meets Harvey Nicks woman, and then gets pushed off the top of a tall building. I for one will be back next year to find out whodunnit, and how many extreme tabloid-type stories they can pack into the next series.
Football result of the month: Arsenal 5, Manchester City 1. It's a good score, 5-1. That's the same score we beat Farnborough by last month, and I seem to remember David Beckham thrashing some Germans by the same margin exactly 18 months ago.
Film of the month: I couldn't decide between Ghost Ship and Final Destination 2. Ghost Ship was by far the classier of the films, if you can call a 1950s Italian ocean liner inhabited by murderous spirits classy. The method of onboard death in the opening scene of Ghost Ship wouldn't have been out of place in Final Destination 2, where it seems the more unlikely the means of despatch the better. I left the cinema after FD2 with my eyes peeled for freak accidents... maybe that lampost could be hit by lightning and fall onto a passing motorbike causing a lorry laden with oranges to swerve and overturn, scattering its cargo across the road so... or perhaps I was just having a premonition of the plot of FD3.
Album of the month: Unrest by Erlend Øye. I don't usually risk buying an album when I've not heard even one track off it beforehand, but this risk turned out really well. Erlend's probably best known for doing Royksopp vocals, but this is more melodic than Melody AM, poppier and rather excellent. Two standout tracks - the charmingly quirky Prego Amore and the opener Ghost Trains.
Single of the month: Move Your Feet by Junior Senior. As reviewed by legendary chart supremo James Masterson... "Junior Senior are two blokes from Denmark and as the name suggests are from two different generations. Their music however is nothing short of spectacular, this single being a case in point, a hugely infections blend of funk, disco and soul that almost literally commands you to get up and dance."
Gig of the month: The Streets at the Brixton Academy. Review here.
Satellite image of the month: Ever wondered what London looks like from space? The international space station flew over earlier in the month and took this rather fantastic snap of the South East at night. It turns out that London looks like a huge glowing amoeba with tentacles. If you look at the image carefully you can see the cell nucleus that is central London, a surprisingly large ribosome at Hyde Park, plus the vacuole called Essex. And much respect to Steve who's taken the NASA photo and done something really Flash with it. Awesome.
There's £100 to spend on something electrical or gadgety for my birthday present... but on what?
A little background reading for those of you who have still to make up your mind.
Here's what the nominees said about each of the five possible presents. Myself, I'll try to be more objective.
(a) Clear Door Cooler drD said... "Ok has to be the Clear Door Cooler - £99.99 - MP6320 from Innovations. Space for plenty of beer bottles, under a ton + it's new on 3rd March. You can use it in the office too for warming pies...and you get to spend a penny."
I said... "Very thoughtful, not least because after drinking the contents of that cooler I'd need to be able to spend a penny. There's a bottle of champagne in my fridge that's been there for 18 months without being opened - that should be nicely chilled by now."
(b) Mathmos Flip and Faze Tumbler lights drD said... "On the basis that less is more I recommend a Mathmos tumbler or two. Just the thing to channel your Chi around that heavy electrical lfestyle."
I say... "I do actually have one of the Mathmos bubble lights, except it only does blue and it doesn't change colour. I also own a lava lamp, or at least a vial of orange goo left behind by my landlord who has an unnervingly 70s view of home design. Just don't even try to imagine the hideousness of my/his orange sofa."
(c) Philips Provapor Steam Iron Blue Witch said... " To cut down your ironing time: Argos 410/8070 Philips GC6022 Provapor steam generator, £99.99 (P 32)"
I say... "I get to iron five shirts a week, which takes me away from my keyboard for at least twenty minutes. Sadly my keyboard is too small and lumpy to use as an ironing board, but a steam iron would no doubt melt the keys even faster."
(d) Logitech Cordless Desktop Optical keyboard and mouse Blue Witch said... "To improve your internet experience and enable you to write DG from your armchair: Argos 676/1721 Logitech cordless desktop optical keyboard and mouse, £99.95 (P 841). NB You can get a very similar Logitech set from Viking for £49.99 + VAT currently."
I say... "With this gadget I could sit and type from the discomfort of my orange sofa, or maybe even double-click at the ironing board. Hmmm, I wonder how easy it is to read the text on a computer screen from two metres away. Don't be surprised if you log in one day and find diamond geezer published in font size 48."
(e) Voice Commander remote control paulg said... "A voice activated remote control £79 off iwantoneofthose.com ... perfect for couch potatoes who cant move from their sofa except for stretching for the Pringles, billy-no-mates who have no one to talk to but their domestic appliances, and tech heads who can never have too many batteries :o)"
I say... "It appears I could be spending a lot of my post-birthday life on that sofa. I wonder if the Voice Controller can be programmed not just to change TV channels but also to feed me Pringles? Might be my only comfort assuming I've frightened away all the friends who've caught me talking to my CD player."
A reminder that you can cast your vote by visiting this special online survey site (select survey number 4137, that's 4137), or by posting a comment in the comments box below, or by email, any time beween now and next Tuesday. Further details below.
Of course, only I could launch the final phase of this project into a dead-comments-link environment, so I'm very sorry if you're burning to say something at the moment. Either cross your legs and hold it in, or go and vote on the survey site instead.
I have set aside exactly £100 of my own money to buy myself a birthday present.
I'm asking you, the readers of diamond geezer, to tell me what exactly what to spend that £100 on.
Phase 2 of the project (nominate an electrical/gadgety present) is now complete.
Many thanks for all your nominations. I've been busy looking at your many suggestions (and wondering about your mental state too, some of you). Now I'm ready to narrow the field down to a final five electrical/gadgety things for you all to vote on over the next seven days. I've selected the final five not because I like them but because they're the only suggestions that fall within the price range £70 - £110, which is about right.
Phase 3 of the project (vote to choose my £100 birthday present) is therefore now open. You are invited to choose one of the following five presents, which are arranged in descending order of price. Just pick a letter...
(a) Clear Door Cooler £99.99 - "Clearly our best-ever mini fridge! This has to be the best 'anytime, anywhere' portable fridge we've ever seen. Its 20 litre capacity is quite a lot more roomy than our previous version and it's even better value at under £100. The design features an outrageously cool see-thru door that makes it look more like an expensive wine chiller cabinet - plus an LCD display showing current internal temperature."
From Innovations (catalogue number MP6320) and nominated by drD.
(b) Mathmos Flip and Faze Tumbler lights £99.90 for 2 - Flip: "A light brick that turns itself on and off when tumbled, the Flip light brick glows with 9 different colours that change every time you flip it over, which should be enough to satisfy anyone with the wildest moon swings!" Faze: "Like a slo-mo chilled out club light it sits there gently pulsing from one colour to the next - on it's back the colours change every 30 seconds, on its side they change every 5-10 seconds, and upright the colours change continuously. Pop it by your bed for a great effect while, well, you know."
From Mathmos and again nominated by drD.
(c) Philips Provapor Steam Iron £99.00 - It's a steam iron with a big reservoir underneath. "70g/min steam output. 2000 watts. Ceramic coated soleplate. 1 litre water tank."
From Argos (catalogue number 410/8070) and nominated by Blue Witch.
(d) Logitech Cordless Desktop Optical keyboard and mouse £84.95 - "The freedom of cordless... the performance of optical... together in one eye-catching design. Logitech Cordless Desktop® Deluxe Optical features a comfortable, ultra-flat keyboard and a gently curved optical mouse, making it an excellent choice for home and office users alike. Advanced digital radio technology lets you work securely anywhere within a 2-metre range from your computer. And the cordless optical mouse delivers maintenance-free performance and reliability."
From Logitech or Argos (catalogue number 636/8070) and also nominated by Blue Witch.
(e) Voice Commander remote control £79.00 - "With a clever mixture of voice recognition software and multi-directional infrared transmitter the Voice Commander puts you in charge. "BBC 1", "Turn it up", "Record This", "Play a CD", "Shut Up" - oh the amount of fun you can have with this is endless! You're watching TV and something great comes on, you don't have to move a muscle, just tell your little slave to record the programme and it will instruct your Video to do it."
From I Want One Of Those (under 'electronics') and nominated by paulg.
Tomorrow I'll post a bit more information about these five electrical gadgety type things, in case that helps, so you don't have to decide on your choice today.
You can cast your vote by visiting this special online survey site (select survey number 4137), or by posting a comment in the comments box below (assuming it's working, sigh), or by email. This week just a letter is needed, and only one vote per person please (none of the 'e' overdose that one of you had last time you were allowed to vote, OK?). All votes to be received by midnight next Tuesday 4th March. And next Wednesday I'll announce the winning present, which will give me a few days before my birthday to go out and spend £100 on whatever it is you finally select.
Last chance to nominate a £100-ish electrical/gadgety thing for my birthday present. Here's one more (Gadget Shop) website you might want to take a look at, just in case there's a possible winner on there somewhere.
Stick a nomination in the comments box below, or email it, before midnight GMT. You know the score.
There are a number of links in my internet favourites list which once worked, but no longer do. There's this one, for example, or this one, or even this one (which was fantastic). You know the drill - you just click on the link, and up comes that dreaded error message again. Last weekend I stuck this link in my post about TV nostalgia, only for it to suddenly stop working two hours later (although thankfully it's back again today). And only this morning this link wasn't working, which was surprisingly frustrating. Sometimes you find that the old site's merely moved, but often this is the last you ever see of a great site.
So, in an attempt to circumvent the problem of links that suddenly stop linking, I've decided to take another approach. Below are a set of ten links that don't link to anywhere at the moment, but one day will. Not very useful today, admittedly, but do bookmark this page and come back later. Maybe in a week, maybe in a month or maybe in a few years, but I'm sure they'll all be well worth visiting one day.
There's £100 to spend on something electrical or gadgety for my birthday present... but on what?
Your nominations are pouring in. Well, I've received a few anyway.
The following websites have been mentioned, so maybe you'd care to have another look and see if there's anything else electrical or gadgety in there that you think I might like.
• I Want One Of Those - Warning: you may discover something you want here instead.
• Mathmos - something nice and glowing perhaps. I wonder if Sellafield sell anything similar?
• Argos - one of the few household catalogues that doesn't fall open at the underwear page.
• Shires of Bath - apparently there is something gadgety in there somewhere, honest. ...and i'm surprised nobody's suggested this next one yet...
• Innovations: Surely the ultimate collection of the astonishingly useless. There must be something in there you'd like to inflict on me?
You should nominate my £100-ish birthday electrical gadgety thing by posting a comment in the comments box below, or by email. Tell me the name of your nominated thing, and if possible a price and a website I can see/buy it on. All nominations to be received by midnight on Tuesday 25th February. Full details here.
London's Congestion Charge(one week in)
The official information here.
The biased Evening Standard anti-viewpoint here.
One of the best ways to ride into the charging zone here.
Total disregard for the charging zone here.
Or just stay at home and play this instead. (Thanks Jon)
Transport yourself back to your childhood, sat on the sofa in the early evening watching the telly eating Smiths crisps and drinking Cresta. How many of these ten links will give you a shiver down your spine?
• TV themes: There are more than 300 classic TV themes here, and I was desperately trying to click on the next mp3 even before the last had finished playing. As a taster, here are 26 of the downloadable gems I've rediscovered and adored (well, rediscovered anyway): the Adventure Game, Bod, Chockablock, Doctor Who, Emu's Broadcasting Company, Fame, Going Live, Hong Kong Phooey, Interceptor, Jigsaw, Knight Rider, Ludwig, Monkey, Nationwide, Playaway, Rentaghost, Stop the Pigeon, Think of a Number, Ulysses 31, Vision On, Wacky Races, Watch, Why Don't You, White Horses, Willo the Wisp, Wonder Woman. (hang on, that's too many W's, but all memorable nonetheless)
• TV Ark: And now, the same but with pictures! Watch the intro to Animal Magic, Crystal Tipps and Ivor the Engine. See the adverts for Shake and Vac, Ariston and Coco Pops. Experience the original Channel 4 logo, the start of Eldorado and... oh go on, just go and have a look. See you back here in an hour.
• Cult TV: The BBC have realised that some of their old programmes are cult classics. This is of course shorthand for 'We know they're very good, but we're never going to show them again. Relive memories of the Adventure Game, Blake's 7, Ghostwatch and Play School, amongst many others.
• Radio Times Covers: Some of these covers are design classics. Some of them aren't, sadly, particularly those with Carol Smillie or the Queen on the front, but Christmas is usually a winner. And if you want to look behind the cover to see what programmes were being shown on various dates from 1936 to 1997, look here.
• The BBC Schools Diamond: You'll remember it the minute you see it, whisking you back to those days sat cross-legged in the school hall. And wow, someone's gone to the effort of recreating it for a post-modern grown-up audience.
• TV regional idents: The same person has brought back to life all those regional logo sequences that used to introduce the programmes. Here's LWT. And here are all the BBC equivalents. Strangely therapeutic.
• BBC2 logos: I never tired of watching blue paint being chucked at the BBC2 logo. Sadly the programme controller did, and now we're lumbered with some dull yellow idents instead.
• Charley says: Charley and I were in the park. Then this man came up and said would I like to see some puppies. Even 30 years ago, it seems grooming was an issue.
• BBC News 24: News 24 used to play a unexpectedly funky countdown at one minute to the hour, just before the main news. Here's the full 90 second version - why has no producer turned this into a hit dance record yet?
• TV Cream: No serious wallow in TV nostalgia would be complete without this site. If you can't spend 3 hours of your time looking through this outstanding archive, you surely didn't have a television while you were growing up.
• Count 1 (blog visitors = 461 + 505 + 565 = 1531) ...and looking like I might top 2000 in a month for the first time.
• Count 2 (google searches = 83 + 93 + 68 = 244) ...but I bet most of them are disappointed when they arrive.
• Count 3 (blog content = 23 + 29 + 26 = 78) ...three quarters of the way to my 100kb target, near enough
• Count 4 (spam = 1 + 7 + 4 = 12) ...not quite so bad this week, and thankfully not quite so many Nigerians.
• Count 5 (nights out = 7 + 4 + 5 = 16) ...so it's amazing I'm ever in to write this, to be honest.
• Count 6 (alcohol intake = 13 + 10 + 11 = 34) ...a pretty average week, although most of that was in the last four hours.
• Count 7 (tea intake = 30 + 37 + 33 = 100) ...another pretty average week, and that's now a ton of teabags.
• Count 8 (trains used = 28 + 27 + 27 = 82) ...and not as packed by congestion charge escapees as I was expecting.
• Count 9 (escalators walked up = 21 + 19 + 15 = 55) ...including the longest escalator on the Underground (at Angel).
• Count 10 (mystery count = 0 + 0 + 0 = 0) ...which is at least very predictable if rather disappointing..
Three things the zero-rated mystery count could be, but isn't:
• number of copies of the Big Issue purchased.
• number of successful retail therapy shopping trips.
• number of Brit Awards going to the most deserved artist.
British male solo artist: The Streets
British album: The Streets, Original Pirate Material
British urban act: The Streets
British breakthrough artist: The Streets
... bugger, I'm dreaming. The judges clearly aren't paid to recognise class. Or maybe it's just that they don't let you win an award if you decide not to turn up at the ceremony. A bit careless to be nominated for four awards and then to win none of them, but the Brits were never about taste. Except maybe bad taste, of course.
Here's the actual list of awards, or at least it's correct as far as I could tell from the telly:
British male solo ego: Robbie Williams
British female solo anti-war polemic: Mrs Dynamite
British album: Coldplay, A Rush of Money to the Bank Account
British group with nice safe middle-of-the-road album appeal: Coldplay
British single voted for by listeners to commercial radio say no more: Liberty X, Just A Little
American British urban act: Ms Dynamite
British dance (in a wedding-reception-karaoke-dance-type-stylee) act: Sugababes
British granny-market-breakthrough artist: Will Young
British pap act: Blue
International mixed doubles: Kylie and Justin Timberlake
International male named after Smarties-like chocolates: Eminem
International (American) female inexplicably seen dancing with British guardsmen: Pink
International album: Eminem, The Eminem No-Show
International mildly original reading of autocue: Red Hot Chili Peppers
International who-the-hell-is-that? artist: Norah Jones
Outstanding contribution to music television: Davina McCall
The Count
The retail therapy project (Phase 3) (additional guidance)
London's Congestion Charge (one week in)
