If it's quarter past seven on the morning of the third of November then I've been single for exactly twenty years. Yes, I used to post this everyyear, but now I only do it every five.
Twenty years of singledom would appear to confirm it's not you, it's me. But don't worry, I'm perfectly happy being partnerless, thanks, and you'd never put up with me anyway.
Some might say that we single people are missing out on the joys of coupledom, and maybe we are, but I'm convinced that there are equally many positive points to being single:
Single: You get the whole duvet to yourself. Coupled: You don't need a hot water bottle.
Single: There's half as much ironing to do. Coupled: There's twice as much ironing to do but somebody else might do it.
Single: You can hoover the carpet when you think it needs doing. Coupled: Somebody else hoovers the carpet before you think it needs doing.
Single: Nobody ever tells you that the kitchen must be repainted and the bathroom must be retiled. Coupled: Two people can repaint the kitchen or retile the bathroom far more quickly than one.
Single: You never have to waste a Sunday doing what somebody else wants. Coupled: You never sit around on a Sunday wondering what the hell to do.
Single: You can watch whatever boxset you like, without arguments. Coupled: There's somebody else on the sofa to snuggle up to.
Single: You can flood Instagram with photos of your cat. Coupled: You can flood Instagram with photos of your children.
Single: Nobody complains when you burp, belch or fart. Coupled: Somebody points out when you have dandruff on your shoulder.
Single: The toilet seat is always where you left it. Coupled: The toilet seat isn't always freezing cold.
Single: You never come home to a blazing row. Coupled: You sometimes come home to a cooked meal.
Single: You get to eat the whole ready meal for two yourself. Coupled: It takes just as long to cook for two as it does for one.
Single: You can spend all your money on yourself. Coupled: There are two salaries coming in and only one set of bills.
Single: You can walk away from a flatshare, any time. Coupled: You might be able to afford a mortgage, together.
Single: There are no important birthdays or anniversaries to accidentally forget. Coupled: Somebody actually remembers your birthday.
Single: You never have to buy useless gifts for your partner, just for the sake of it. Coupled: Somebody buys you presents occasionally.
Single: You can take time out without needing to give a reason. Coupled: Somebody's genuinely interested in how you're feeling.
Single: Nobody insists on coming over to yours for Christmas. Coupled: Everybody insists on coming over to yours for Christmas.
Single: There are no in-laws to be forced to spend time with. Coupled: Being part of two families is better than one.
Single: You're allowed to flirt with people in the street. Coupled: You don't need to flirt with people in the street.
Single: You can still have a riotous social life in your 40s. Coupled: You can still have a riotous social life in your 60s.
Single: You have no friends to go out with because they've all partnered off and are staying in. Coupled: You don't have to go out with those annoying friends you had while you were single.
Single: You don't catch every sniffle, cold and flu bug off your partner. Coupled: When you suffer a major cardiac arrest, somebody actually notices and dials 999.
Single: You never get left alone and desolate because your life partner's just passed away. Coupled: When you get old and infirm, you have a carer to look after you.
Single: If you do ever meet the partner of your dreams, it's not too late to marry them. Coupled: Nobody ever meets the partner of their dreams, so better to get married before it's too late.
Single: Being coupled is restrictive, stifling and a sign of personal weakness. Coupled: Being single is unnatural, lonely and a sign of personal failure.
Single: You don't need to depend on others for your happiness. Coupled: You don't need to rely on yourself for support.
Single: You never get your heart broken. Coupled: You sometimes feel your heart leap.
Single: You can have sex with anyone you like. Coupled: You can have sex whenever you like.
Single: The bathroom is always free. Coupled: The bedroom is always full.
Single: You can lie in bed in the morning for as long as you like. Coupled: There's a very good reason for lying in bed in the morning.
Single: Nobody sees what you look like first thing in the morning. Coupled: Somebody loves you despite what they see first thing in the morning.
Single: You never fall in love with a psychopath and end up assuming the endless lies, habitual insults, screaming rows, repeated infidelity and occasional violence are somehow normal, because sometimes there are good days.
Not that I'm in any way bitter, you understand...