You can't have failed to notice that Europe enlarged on Saturday. Ten new countries signed up to become part of the EU, opening borders to trade, culture and migration. Especially migration, if you've been listening to varioussections of the media over the last few months. Endless scare stories, a lot of mischievous headlines, a few political editors trying to influence government policy and a prime minister seemingly willing to let them. I've been out over the weekend trying to spot the differences that a newly extended Europe has made. I can now confidently report back that, whatever you may have read in the papers, none of the following have actually happened.
1) It's impossible to force open your front door now that hordes of Latvians are sleeping on the pavement outside. And they snore, all of them. 2) There's a tented village of Slovakians living on that small patch of wasteland behind your local shops. And they've attached long cables to the local electricity supply to power their homegrown beetroot distilleries. 3) Don't let your children out of your sight, else Polish gypsies will undoubtedly kidnap them and take them away to start a new life in a distant circus. 4) The council has forcibly evicted your neighbour and filled his house with five families of wailing Cypriots, all of whom play loud folktunes on an accordion throughout the night as they sing ballads about their long lost homeland. 5) Whole communities of Czech citizens are being drafted into the country before the EU referendum next year on the condition that they all vote 'Yes'. 6) There are huge long queues of Hungarians waiting in line for benefit payments outside your local Post Office. 7) Coachloads of Lithuanians are flooding through Dover to avail themselves of expensive plastic surgery on the NHS. 8) When you go back to work tomorrow you'll find that you've been made redundant in favour of three Estonians on 10% of your wages. 9) Terrorists are now able to sneak explosives across the unguarded borders of Slovenia, drive to the UK unchallenged and blow up your front garden, should they so choose. 10) EU bureaucrats plan to force the introduction of a Maltese family in Coronation Street, to ban Cornish pasties in favour of parsnip-based alternatives and to make viewing of the Eurovision Song Contest complusory.
For a more balanced view of life behind the former Iron Curtain, may I highly recommend this recently published travel guide to the forgotten country of Molvania. (Review here)
Silver Jubilee:Queensbury Opened: Sunday 16th December 1934 Distance from previous station: 1.7 km You are now entering: the London borough of Brent, zone 4 Platform: exit to the left of the train Photo shows: Queensbury Circus, a giant green roundabout outside the station. Enjoy a 360º view here, courtesy of Jag. Fact file: The name Queensbury was chosen as the result of a competition organised by a local estate agent, the winning name blatantly echoing the nearby village of Kingsbury. Thus the local area was named after the station rather than the station being named after the local area. Queensbury opened two years later than its neighbouring stations, once a few houses had actually been built here. 5 things I found outside the station: Queensbury Circus, Hunter & Hunter estate agents, some bicycles chained to the railings, Joe's Bake & Bite, three levels of flats built above the station entrance. Local history: The de HavillandAircraft Company was based nearby at Stag Lane Airfield. The first Gypsy Moth biplane first flew from here in 1925, with Tiger Moths following soon afterwards. The grass landing strip closed in 1934, with production moved to larger facilities in Hatfield, after which Stag Lane concentrated on engine production.
The only magazine I buy regularly is the Radio Times, because nothing else lists what's on TV in such detail. I flick it through it every Tuesday, spotting lots of programmes I reckon I really mustn't miss. And then I miss them, because it's all too easy to forget they were on up to ten days later. So this week I thought I'd post my list of highlights for the forthcoming week as an extra reminder. (And, if I remember to watch, I'll pop back here and give each programme a one sentence review afterwards.)
Election Replay 1979 (Monday 9am-midnight, BBC Parliament): Normally I'd never watch BBC Parliament, but on Bank Holiday Monday they're screening one of the longest horror movies of recent times. It's exactly 25 years since the 1979 General Election, and the BBC are rescreening their entire election night results programme, all 15 hours of it. I'm looking forward to seeing all the old 70s graphics and watching Robert McKenzie playing with his swingometer again, even if I have to watch Margaret Thatcher's victory from behind the sofa. Details here, including 20 minutes of online highlights. (Review tomorrow)
London: the Greatest City (Monday 4:05pm, C4): Expect a very different level of computer graphics here, with a two hour reconstruction of the capital's history from the Roman invasion to the modern City. Could be good, or could just be a lot of actors wandering around trying to look ancient. (A glossy history of London in eight bite-sized chunks, overdoing plague, fire and gin whilst totally ignoring most of what made the city great)
That Was The Week We Watched (Tuesday 10pm, BBC2): I missed this series about old telly over Christmas week because I was off being sociable, but BW rated it highly so I'm looking forward to the repeats. Journey back into the Radio Times of 10th-16th November 1973 - Black Beauty, the first ever Last of the Summer Wine, and Princess Anne's (first) wedding. (Ahh, and Mr Benn, power cuts, Pan's People, Hilda Ogden, Yoffi on Fingerbobs and the Wombles. Marvellous)
In Search of Genius (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2): I've always rated Tony Buzan, ever since I was little and got one of his books on mind-mapping out of the library. But hmmm, here he is in his own reality show trying to boost the intelligence of six Berkshire school underachievers. And his own book sales, I suspect. (Well, surprise surprise, the kids got a lot better after six months of concentrated adult intervention, but there still wasn't a new genius amongst them by the end)
Dispatches: Keep Them Out (Thursday 9pm, C4): I'm sure the residents of Lee-on-the-Solent thought Channel 4 were making a documentary about the opening of a new centre for asylum seekers. I suspect they've made a documentary exposing the campaigners as ignorant bigots instead. (Blimey, exceptionally ignorant bigots of the scariest kind)
Yes Minister (Thursday 10pm, BBC2): Out of the vaults comes the very first episode of this classic Westminster comedy. Still outvotes most current sitcoms by a large majority. (Still topical even 24 years later)
London (Friday 9pm, BBC2): You wait years for a programme about the history of London, and then two come along in the same week. This is the real thing, based on Peter Ackroyd's marvellous London - the Biography. Tonight 'Fire', from Boudicca to the Blitz (via 1666, of course). No doubt this'll be a lavish masterpiece. See you at the Baftas next year. (Capital addict walks the streets, chased by a speeded-up camera, with an eye for the unusually historic. It'll sell brilliantly on DVD at Christmas)
Monkey Dust night (Saturday 9pm, BBC3): The entire second series of this (very) dark cartoon sketch show. Must stick a 3-hour video in and record the lot - it'll save buying the DVD when they release it later.
Silver Jubilee:Canons Park Opened: Saturday 10th December 1932 Distance from previous station: 1.4 km (and the journey sounds like this - possibly my anorakiest link ever) Platform: exit to the left of the train Fact file: The station was originally called Canons Park (Edgware), but the name has never included an apostrophe. I doubt that Lynne Truss lives around here. 5 things I found outside the station: a very short green cycle path, Canons Park Motors (operating from three arches underneath the station), Eddy's kebab shop, Hearts & Flowers florists, the number 79 bus. Nearby: nondescript suburbia, Canons Park (an impressively green open space, frequented by joggers, dogwalkers and bluebells) and the DVLA offices from which NW London car registrations LK-LT are issued. Local history: The area gets its name because six acres of land here were given to the canons of St Bartholemew's Priory, Smithfield, in 1331. The Duke of Chandos built a posh mansion here in the 17th century and called it Canons. The estate was sold off for housing development in the late 1920s, as was most of the rest of the surrounding area. Sorry, Canons Park's not the thrillingest of places.
It's exactly 25 years today since London Underground's Jubilee Line opened, on Tuesday 1st May 1979. Prince Charles made the very first journey, the day before, travelling one stop from Green Park to Charing Cross then riding a special train all the way back up the line to Stanmore. To celebrate the silver jubilee of the silver-coloured Jubilee line, diamond geezer will be taking a virtual journey along the line over the next month, station by station from Stanmore to Stratford, starting tomorrow.
The Jubilee line runs through some of London's oldest tube stations, but also through the newest. The line developed in a number of stages, first as part of the Metropolitan railway, then as part of the Bakerloo line, then as what was due to be called the Fleet line, and finally along the Jubilee line extension through Docklands. The Jubilee line follows a single path with no branches or junctions, although it's a very wiggly and indirect route. This is also the only London Underground line to link with every other. Let me run through the line's history with you (and if you need a map to follow, try here):
1868: The Metropolitan & St John's Wood Railway opens between Baker Street and Swiss Cottage, five years after the opening of London's very first Underground railway.
1879: The line is extended to West Hampstead and, the following year, as far as Harrow.
1880s onwards: The Metropolitan Railway purchases lots of land for housing alongside the line - Metroland is born.
1932: The branch line from Wembley Park to Stanmore is opened.
1939: The Stanmore branch, and all local services between Wembley Park and Baker Street, are transferred from the Metropolitan line to the Bakerloo line. Trains run through new tunnels between Finchley Road and Baker Street, and on to Elephant & Castle.
1940s to 1960s: There are several plans for a new NW-SE tube line to relieve congestion on the Bakerloo line. None proceed.
1971: Royal Assent is finally given to construction of the Fleet line from Baker Street to Lewisham.
1972: Work begins building new tunnels from Baker Street to Bond Street, Green Park and Charing Cross. But no further.
1977: The new Conservative administration at the GLC decrees that the Fleet line will be renamed the Jubilee line, in honour of the Queen's silver jubilee. May 1st 1979: The Jubilee line opens, taking over the Bakerloo line tracks between Stanmore and Baker Street, then running on through new tunnels to Charing Cross.
1999 The Jubilee line is extended from Green Park to Stratford, including some award-winning civil engineering and station architecture.
So, come take a ride with me down the silver Jubilee line. It only takes an hour to travel the whole line from end to end, a total of 24 miles. The route passes from leafy suburbia to West End bustle, from the seat of government to the heart of Docklands, and from the 1948 Olympic Stadium to (possibly) the site for 2012. Climb aboard one of those tiny tube trains with the special whining engine, mind the huge doors along the platform edge, and let's be off. The next station is.... Stanmore.
Silver Jubilee:Stanmore Opened: Saturday 10th December 1932 Location: London Borough of Harrow, zone 5 Photo shows: Stanmore station, the end of the line. Branch history: The 2½ mile Stanmore branch was opened by the Metropolitan Railway in December 1932, but became the property of the newly created London Passenger Transport Board a few months after opening. The branch transferred from the Metropolitan line to the Bakerloo line in 1939, then transferred again to the Jubilee line on 1st May 1979(exactly 25 years ago today). Fact file: There are 10 sidings right beside the station. There are tubs of heather and (now dead) daffodils on the platform. Stanmore is the only station on the 'old' part of the Jubilee line with step-free access to both platforms. 5 things I found outside the station: a small green stall selling flowers, some slatted wooden benches, a pedestrian crossing, a big tube sign on a blue pillar, the Green Belt (the line stops right on the edge of London - a few hundred metres further on and you're in the countryside), Nearby: suburbia, the Broadway (Stanmore's main shopping street), Madison's Deli (selling hot salt beef), a sizeable Jewish population, the footbridge over the line from which I took yesterday's first photo. Local history: Stanmore takes its name from 'Stony mere' and was the site of the ancient Roman settlement of Sullmoniacae. Julius Caesar may have fought against the local Celts right here during his second invasion of Britain in 54 BC, or maybe not. Local legend has it that the final Roman battle against Boudicca took place on Stanmore Common. Loads of local history here.
Transatlantic film of the month: They forced six films on me during my two flights to/from San Francisco earlier in the month. One of films broke down, so I never saw more than the first ten minutes of Big Fish (which was good because by that time I'd already decided it was tosh). Three of the films were bland sentimental historic rubbish of the kind that airline executives like to show on planes because they keep their older female patrons happy. One film was borderline acceptable as a method for filling two hours, although I wouldn't have chosen to watch Mona Lisa Smile anywhere else. Which just leaves Paycheck to be my film of the month by default. It was alright I suppose, as sci-fi time paradox action thrillers go, but I bet those older female patrons hated every second.
Transatlantic book of the month: Plenty of time during the bland sentimental historic films to read some original books about London instead. April's third place therefore goes to Bleeding London (Geoff Nicholson), a thriller based round three loners and their obsessive addiction to the A-Z map. Didn't see myself in there, which was a relief. April's second place goes to Mortal Engines (Philip Reeve), a dazzling future-fantasy tale in which the cities of the world have been rebuilt on mechanical wheels and go round eating each other. Honest. Very creative and surprisingly violent for a children's book - barely a character survives to the final page with meeting a bloodthirsty end. But April's first place to The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time (Mark Haddon). Young narrator with Aspergers fails to spot the domestic misery unfolding around him, but chronicles everything faithfully all the same. Brilliantly observed and fully deserving of all the plaudits heaped upon it recently.
And the time on Radio Local is just after 7 o'clock. Thanks to Ginny for the news there. Nice one Ginny, and love the new hairstyle. Over the next hour we'll be running down the Most Played Artists On British Radio Over The Last 20 Years, as announced by the Radio Academy yesterday. All your Radio Local favourites are in the Top 10, so you probably won't spot anything diferent to normal. Well, maybe less Beyoncé perhaps. Let's kick off with the artist at number 10 shall we?
10) Paul McCartney (No More Lonely Knights) Lovely track that. The Pope should make Sir Paul a saint, shouldn't he? But the Beatle-meister has done well to get into our Top 10 given that he's not had one top ten record since 1984. Still, chart positions never stopped Radio Local from playing something nice, soothing and melodic. Just the sort of thing our next artist is famous for too. Mmm, I'm coming over all moist at the thought of Simply Red's middle of the road brilliance.
9) Mick Hucknall (Holding Back The Wrinkles)
8) Cliff Richard (Living Dull) That's Britain's youngest pensioner there with another cutting-edge Saga Soundtrack Selection. Saga holidays, get away before you pass away. Joan from Croydon rang in and said she'd like to dedicate that last track to her late husband, so that was for you Jim. Radio Local, your blander music mix. We'll be right back after this short break.
(adverts for mobile phones, sofa showrooms and mortgages) 7) Phil Collins (A Groovy Kind Of Dirge) Very groovy there Phil. I'm surprised he's not further up our Top 10, the number of times we play his superior lounge muzak on our station. Travel news just in by the way. Kevin has texted us to say there's a car parked on a double yellow in the high street and if there are any wardens listening could they pop down and clamp it. Thanks Kevin, nice thought. And now for one of only two women in today's countdown. Amazingly it's not Natalie Imbruglia or even the lovely Anastacia, it's that pop vixen Madonna. Hi to you Madge if you're listening.
6) Madonna (This Used To Be My Plaything)
5) Bryan Adams (Everything I Did, I Did It In 1991) Ah how nice to hear that last one again. Must say it barely seems a decade ago since we were subjected to saturation playlisting of that Robin Hood classic. I never tired of the video either, what a masterpiece. We're delaying our lost pets slot until tomorrow by the way, but Ginny will be back at the Radio Local Community Action Desk in an hour so that all you bigots out there can ring in and shop an asylum seeker. Radio Local, wasting your life away, every day. We'll be right back after these messages.
(adverts for estate agents, insurance companies and garden centres) 4) Kylie Minogue (You Can't Get This Out Of Your Head) It wouldn't be right to go an hour on Radio Local without playing a Kylie number, so there she was. Marvellous stuff. Nice arse too. Time to read out a few funny stories I read in the paper this morning, because it saves thinking up any original ideas of my own. If you're watching on our webcam we'll also be holding up some of the pictures from this week's Heat magazine and asking you to ring in with your comments. But next up it's the God of Daytime Radio Programming himself, the ever bankable Robbie.
3) Robbie Williams (Let Me Entertain Me)
2) Elton John (Can You Feel The Wig Tonight) Are they all gay in this Top 3, Ginny? No, don't answer that one, or Robbie might sue. But Elton, well, he's so so supremely creative isn't he? Don't forget to tune in at drivetime tonight for our special 'what's that noise?' competition in conjuction with D&G Motors, your superior MOT service. We've got five Radio Local car stickers to be won, so don't miss all the excitement live with Mike at six. Radio Local, playing what our advertisers want. We'll be right back after you've gone off and made a cup of tea.
(repeated adverts for mortgages, sofa showrooms and mobile phones) 1) George Michael (Careless Cottage) And finally, whamming in at the top of the pile there, it's the ever present Mr George Michael. Probably just back from some sordid affair in the local park, I wouldn't be surprised. But he sings nicely doesn't he? Today's local weather, it's going to continue dull and wet. Much like the last hour's music really. Could somebody go and wake Ginny up, she's due to be reading the news in ten seconds. And she's ruined that lovely hair of hers too. Radio Local, like chloroform for the soul.
I keep a box of old paperback books in my spare room, each book a childhood favourite. Yesterday I dug through the box searching for my Fighting Fantasy books (I only had three of them, I wasn't obsessed or anything). And I also came across lots of other books I'd almost forgotten I owned, so here's a list of some of my choicest volumes. A car boot sale's too good for them.
• Now We Are Six (1966, 2s 6d): Reading back through, these poems anew, with tales of queens, and playtime it seems, that unspoilt childhood, has vanished for good. Nostalge here.
• Ladybird books (1969, 2s 6d): These mini marvels allowed any child to build up a reference library on diverse subjects at pocket money cost. How else could you become an expert on The Weather, Tricks and Magic or The story of Football in 50 pages flat, with full colour illustrations? Nostalge here.
• I-SPY books (6d-12p): I've got 30 of these little spotter books for the trainee anorak. Of course, I realise now that if I hadn't written in them they might be worth more than 12p today. Nostalge here.
• Silly Verse For Kids (1972, 20p): One of Spike Milligan's many works of genius. "There are holes in the sky where the rain gets in, but they're ever so small that's why rain is thin." Nostalge here.
• Secret of the Seventh Star (1973, 30p):"Will you be able to follow the clues, or will the murderer escape and the house retain its secrets?" A decade before Fighting Fantasy books there were Tracker Books, 40-page 'you decide' novels, which were quite possibly where the whole 'branching stories' phenomenon first began. I used to draw little network diagrams to show how all the pages linked together. Seems like only yesterday I last did that... Nostalge here.
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (1974, 20p): Classic, and no sign of Gene Wilder either. I still have a Puffin Club bookplate stuck inside the cover of this book. Ahh, the Puffin Club, I still have my badge somewhere too. Nostalge here.
• Swallows and Amazons (1974, 40p): A book from a bygone age where children went sailing without adult supervision, camped it up in the Lake District and had distinctly un-PC names like Nancy and Titty. Nostalge here.
• Crazy But True (1975, 35p): The favourite amongst my many books of useless information. "The elephant is the only animal that cannot jump. It is also the only animal with four kneecaps." Honest. Modern version here.
• Number Games and Puzzles (1976, 35p): You'll not be surprised to hear that I own lots of books like this. But you might be surprised to hear that this particular volume was written by Gyles Brandreth, then an unknown but prolific author of quiz-type books. Nostalge here.
• Star Wars (1977, 95p): Written by George Lucas himself, apparently, from the days when you had to buy the paperback novel of a film because nobody had yet invented videos, let alone DVD special editions. Nostalge here.
The game of Dungeons and Dragons is 30 years old this year. It's more a rulebook than a game really, or perhaps for some people a way of life. All you needed to create your own fantasy world were dice, paper, pencils and a large group of like-minded friends willing to lock themselves away in a shed or attic for up to a month arguing about whether their wizard's magic shield was suitable protection against a surprise orc attack. I thought the whole phenomenon had died out long ago but oh no, Dungeon Masters have been emailing the BBC all day to tell the world that they still play while their wives aren't looking. Or even with their wives in some cases. I never played D&D myself, either because I had the wrong friends at school and university or, more likely, because I had the right ones. I nearly got round to playing a couple of times, but we spent the first three hours 'rolling up the characters' and never quite got round to the second three hours of 'continuing to roll up the characters'. Ah well.
I much preferred the FightingFantasy adventure game books that you could read and play by yourself, ideally without any of your friends noticing. This 60-book series kicked off with The Warlock ofFiretop Mountain in 1982, and made a fortune for authors Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone over the next ten years. What I really liked about these books wasn't the chance to kill a passing dragon on the roll of a dice, it was the branching nature of the narrative. "If you turn left, go to page 47. If you turn right, go to page 203. If you twist the secret panel on the wall, go to page 148." There were hundreds of different possible stories to explore, and the book could be read and reread many times.
It struck me that these hypertext tales were in some ways a precursor to all the webpage links we now take for granted on the internet. "If you want to read more about this, click here. Or here." And it also struck me that the internet would be a great place to publish a branching story. So I've had a go at writing one. You can start below, or you can start here. No dice are required. Just click on your chosen option each time and see if you can find your way successfully to a happy ending. Good luck, brave adventurer!
Tis Millennium's Eve, and a motley crowd of creatures have gathered by the Dockside beneath YellowBird Tower. There across the raging River Tamesis lies their goal, the giant Dome of Doom. Lights flash from within, and 12 tall spikes pierce the chill December air above. Our band of friends must cross the river to reach the object of their quest before the clocks strike midnight, else their lives will surely be over and no mistake.
You have been specially selected to take part in David Blunkett's ID Cardtrial. Participation is entirely optional, except that by logging into this page we already know your IP address, so give us a few more seconds and we'll also have your bank balance, criminal record and immediate whereabouts. In fact we'll have your new ID card prepared and printed before you've finished reading this piece, and we'll probably be standing at your front door to deliver it within minutes. Have your £35 ready won't you, there's a good citizen.
We're pressing ahead with the introduction of ID cards because a recent opinion poll told us that the British public don't mind them. Admittedly opinion polls also tell us that the British public want to see capital punishment reinstated, but we're ignoring that because you're wrong. ID cards are your friend. They prevent people around you from having multiple identities, a common problem in Britain today. They allow you to travel abroad for private health treatment, but stop sick Eastern Europeans coming over here for life-saving surgery. And you need no longer worry about terrorism and rising crime, because small pieces of laminated plastic can see them all off.
Policeman: You're foreign aren't you?
Terrorist: No, I was born in Luton.
Policeman: Can I see your ID card please?
Terrorist: I'm afraid I don't have it on me.
Policeman: And why's that then, got something to hide?
Terrorist: Yes, I have a huge bomb in my rucksack.
Policeman: Aha! You're under arrest sonny.
Your new ID card will contain biometric data including all your fingerprints (you really were very careless leaving greasy finger marks all over that last gas bill you posted). We've also scanned your iris (or rather we got one of our operatives to chat you up recently and stare deeply into your eyes with an electronic opthalmascope). We hope you might even be interested in having your ID tattooed unobtrusively on your scalp, just below the hairline, with one of our trademark '666' brandings. We're just dying to get you on our database, you know, and so are all the advertisers who are funding the introduction of this scheme. Listen, that's us at the door already. Welcome to the future.
This is Amaz-ing: Christophe sent me this link yesterday. What the hell is going on? Am I for sale or something? Why is the snapshot image nearly a year out-of-date? Have any of the rest of you got a page like this? And, oh boy, I'm here too. I suspect the two are related.
We may only be one of the best 8 teams in Europe.
We may have had a FaC-up against Man United.
But we are Premiership champions with 4 matches to spare.
And we won the title at White Hart Lane. Sweet.
Yesterday was the warmest day of the year so far, with temperatures in London nudging 23ºC. About time too. But it only takes one sun-drenched weekend for the Great British public to decide that it's summer. It's not, not yet, but that doesn't stop us pretending. How many of the following have you spotted? Big ChiefI Spy would, I'm sure, allow you 10 points for each.
• Fleshing it out: Spot pasty arms emerging from t-shirt sleeves, revealing ill-advised tattoos well-hidden during the winter (pierced navels also fall within this category).
• Sartorial inelegance: Some people don't suit shorts but they wear them all the same, their paunch spilling out over too-tight elastic, with flabby legs on view beneath.
• A load of cobblers: Shudder at the reappearance of the sandal (with or without socks). Surely the devil's own footwear (if only the devil didn't have cloven hooves).
• Glass wear: At last there's a genuine reason to be wearing sunglasses, rather than just looking like a fashion victim and accidentally walking into invisible lampposts.
• Lawn order: The buzz of a hundred lawnmowers pierces a sunny afternoon, reminding you that your grass probably needs cutting too, rather than you just sunbathing on it.
• Charcoal briquettes: That smoke you can see rising from nextdoor's garden is a sign that burnt sausage and charred chops are probably still five hours away.
• Alfresco dining: At the first whiff of sunshine, spot those red bloated Britons sitting at the plastic picnic table in their garden picking the flies out of their chicken tikka masala.
• Alfresco din: Spot the teenager playing booming house music at great volume, but now with his bedroom window wide open so that the whole street can share.
• Pants: Aren't there a lot of red-faced joggers out at the moment? That's the after-effects of the London Marathon for you. They'll all be playing tennis come July.
• Open sky: Drivers with a convertible only get to have the roof down for a few months each year, so spot them whizzing by with a fixed grin as the wind buffets their goosepimples.
• Deflowered: Tis the season to find your car covered by small flakes of pink blossom, congealed to the windscreen by dripping sap. Convertibles have it much worse, of course.
• Green leaves: We're all doomed to eat overpriced salads for the next four months. Might mean us losing some weight too, except they're all smothered in fatty dressing.
• Odour, oh dear: It's hard to spot the deodorantless in the winter but, come summer's heat, the raw stench of their armpits glides by like a mobile sewer.
• Ultra violent: That sunlight, it's just prematurely ageing your skin and making you more susceptible to skin cancer. I'd stay indoors until the autumn if I were you.
Just visiting:diamond geezer's 80000th visitor is due to drop by this weekend, so I thought (any excuse) it was time for my semi-regular 'league table' of top linking blogs, ordered by volume of visitors clicking here from there:
Since I last updated my top 20 back in December I've been blessed by three new entries (at 16, 17 and 20 respectively) and, in the true spirit of a good chart rundown, there have also been some big climbers (LMG up 5 places, Jag up 6, zed up 8, and Inspector Sands up a mammoth 13).
I've noticed that blogs seem to appear in this list for one of four reasons:
i) very high volume blogs with tons of readers, who've linked to me once.
ii) high volume blogs with lots of readers, some of whom trickle through here.
iii) blogs that mention this page sometimes (thanks) so readers click here to see what all the fuss is about.
iv) blogs whose owners make regular daily visits from their blogroll (thanks again).
And, if you're interested, here's how the chart continues: 21222324252627282930.
Point, click, read and enjoy. And thanks for coming.
To celebrate StGeorge'sDay, here are clues to 23 people called George. Not all of them are English (in fact not all of them are men). In each case I've clued the part of the name that isn't George - can you work out the full names? (Answers in the comments box)
1) shrub 13) stair/Muppeteer 2) greatest 14) shrewing (anag) 3) M&S saint 15) singer Rosemary 4) actor Ford 16) muddled-up dolly 5) ET's friend 17) Merseyside resort 6) ...Sullivan? 18) seen in Zulu castle 7) jury leader 19) Beethoven's Eroica 8) young man 20) bird (house or sand) 9) Ipswich river 21) county with Dumfries 10) 'Soap' butler 22) Roger Moore character 11) NW US state 23) Dr Who's grandaughter 12) Hacker's PPS, sounds like he's certain
Hint: the list includes 4 popstars, 4 politicians, 3 writers, 2 producers, an actor, an actress, a pair of artists, a composer, a footballer, a boxer, a ukulele player, an engineer, a monarch and a patron saint.
a) Did you try my QueenQuiz yesterday? I did warn you that the check button was terribly unreliable, and so it was. No matter which boxes you ticked you always got the same pop-up answer. Sorry, but my html/java skills don't stretch as far as calculating total scores and then matching them to different responses. Anyway, there were only two correct facts in that list and the other eighteen were scandalous lies. For the full lowdown, check out yesterday's comments box.
b) Proper quiz tomorrow.
c)Blogger users are being offered the chance to sign up for the beta version of Gmail, Google's new and controversial free email service. I thought I'd sign up to see what the fuss was about, even if I don't end up using the ad-infested service much in the future. But it's hard to test out all the search and folder functions when there are no emails in your inbox. So, you're welcome to send me a test message to dgeezer*AT*gmail.com. And please swap that *AT* for a @ (I don't want to test out the anti-spam capability yet).
d)Richard Herring did indeed complete the London Marathon (and raised nearly £8000) - report here.
e) I brought back two packets of Oreos from the States, but the gannets at work have already eaten one packet. Thankfully my supply of cinnamon Tic Tacs is still intact.
f) I'd like to make two predictions about this Euro referendum thing. The xenophobic Sun will spend the next 18 months dripping the word NO into the subconscious of its readers. And scheming Rupert Murdoch will be very pleased with the outcome, even if few other people are.
g) This geyser is not me.
h) They finally opened the easternentrance to Canary Wharf tube station on Monday. Very impressive it is too, like a giant glass shell leading down into a vast underground cavern (but still heavily underused). Lots more on this subject soon.
i) and finally...
BowRoadupdate: I do hope you've been keeping abreast of my daily reports from Bow Road, London's pioneering tube renovation project. The station upgrade has been going on for over a month now and the place certainly looks very different - four blue walls and a pile of scaffolding now cover the outside of the station and half of both of the platforms. However, there's still no evidence to convince me that a single scrap of renovation has yet occurred. I've not seen one cleaned surface, one lick of paint or even one busy workman since the whole affair began. But, maybe, something, soon. Keep up to date with events as they unfold daily in this comments box.
The Queen is 78 today. And then she's 78 again in June, lucky girl. Here are twenty queenly facts, only some of which are actually true. Can you guess which? Make your selection, then click the terribly unreliable check button at the bottom of the post.
We love to revel in a good live TV fiasco. Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood at the Brits. Judy Finnegan's gaping bra. Julian Clary's fisticuffs with Norman Lamont. Wobbling cardboard walls at the Crossroads motel. And, 40 years ago tonight, the launch of BBC2. Only the BBC could attempt to launch a brand new TV channel in the midst of a London-wide power cut, although kicking off with Play School the following morning gathered far more publicity and greater long-term credibility. I could relate the full story of BBC2's birth here, but other people have done it already. So here's BBC2 in links instead:
40 years ago if you'd turned your television on (and waited two minutes for it to warm up) you'd have had the choice of just two channels. A black and white choice, either BBC or ITV. 39 years and 364 days ago you'd have had three channels to choose from, but more of that tomorrow. Nowadays we have rather more than three channels to select from, although some would argue there's rather less worth watching.
I grew up in a TV world very different to that available today.
i) Throughout my childhood there were only three channels, so when I toddled into school in my short trousers and asked people if they'd seen The Goodies yesterday, they probably had. Nowadays when I go into work I don't bother asking people if they saw Nighty Night last night because they probably didn't. More likely they were watching something completely different on any one of a bewildering range of other channels. We have so little television in common any more.
ii) When there were only a few channels, everybody had the same selection. Then along came cable, satellite and digital, and suddenly some people had channels the rest of us didn't have. Now those willing to pay more can watch sport the rest of us can't, watch films fresh from the cinema, watch comedy before it appears on terrestrial and buy diamonique the rest of us can only dream of. TV used to be about quality, now it's about inequality.
iii) Good television used to be hard to miss. With just three channels it was easy to be a discerning viewer, keep an eye on this evening's highlights and watch them all as required. Nowadays it's far too easy to overlook a TV gem somewhere in five pages of listings, or to find yourself sitting through the same episode of Little Britain for the eighth time while you wait for them to repeat the one you accidentally missed first time round. We watch more now, but we see less.
iv) When I was a child, changing channels required getting out of my seat, walking across to the big cathode ray tube in the corner and pressing something. Nowadays we can switch channels at the press of a remote, so we do. Sofa, so good. No sooner have the adverts appeared, or the credits started rolling, than we start flicking through a myriad of other channels in a desperate but fruitless search for something worth watching. Worse, other people can change channel far too easily too, usually during something we're enjoying, switching to something we won't. We're all butterfly viewers now.
v) I grew up in a land without video recorders, which meant that if I missed something I really missed it. If I loved a particular programme I still only got to watch it the once, so all my rosy-glowed TV nostalgia is based on single viewings. Today's children can watch whatever they like whenever they like, and then replay it all again thanks to video and rental DVD. And they do, over and over and over. Saves parents having to talk to or play with their offspring now that they have the perfect inanimate babysitter. Television isn't special any more, it's too easily re-viewed.
The screen in the corner of the room dominates our modern lives. Stand in a room, switch on the television and watch. Watch people turn round to see what's on. Watch children stop playing. Watch as conversation suddenly halts. Watch everyone slowly hypnotised by the flickering picture. Sure there's still plenty on television worth watching, as last night's Baftas prove, but we'll now watch any old rubbish just because it's on. I reckon we're in danger of raising a whole generation of undiscriminating couch potatoes afflicted by TV-induced Attention Deficit Disorder. And I reckon... ooh, have you seen what's on... sorry, where was I?
1936: BBC
1955: BBC/ITV
1964: BBC1/BBC2/ITV
1982: BBC1/BBC2/ITV/C4
1990: BBC1/BBC2/ITV/C4/BSB/Sky
1997: BBC1/BBC2/ITV/C4/C5/BSkyB
2004: multi-channel television nirvana/hell
Guided Tour of East and Central London- today only
It's the perfect way to see London. Come and join us for a stroll through the streets of Greenwich, Docklands and the City.
Meet: 8am Greenwich Park. Yes, we know that's rather early for a Sunday morning, but you'd only be lying in bed otherwise.
Length: 26 miles 385 yards. That may sound like a bit of a marathon but trust us, even a 93-year-old could manage it.
What to wear: We recommend a bear costume, comedy headgear or orange facepaint.
Tour guide: Unfortunately Paula can't make it this year so you'll have to follow someone else.
Drinks provided: Our waiters will be pleased to serve you mineral water at 23 locations along the route.
Facilities: 950 toilets will be available at the roadside, in case you overdo the mineral water.
First Aid: Several St John's Ambulance matrons will be at hand with a thick dollop of lubricating grease if required.
Top tips: We recommend you run very fast through Charlton, athletic even. There's a big ship beached in Greenwich you'll need to detour round. You can save about ten miles if you divert through the Rotherhithe Tunnel. Expect jams crossing Tower Bridge as everyone stops to talk to Brendan Foster. Asda on the Isle of Dogs sells cornplasters and Lucozade. Jeffrey Archer may be arrested as he passes the Tower of London. If you're feeling dehydrated along the Embankment, don't be tempted to sip from the local river. Save the silver foil sheet you're given at the finish and use it to wrap next Sunday's roast. If you're still on Birdcage Walk at 8am tomorrow morning, watch out for the rush hour traffic trying to mow you down.
As seen on TV: For those of you that can't be there in the flesh, Sue Barker will record the whole event on her camcorder.
Sponsor: Some old lardbucket called Flora. Used to be Mars doing the Marathon, but they paid peanuts.
How to apply: Places are limited to the first 32000 applicants. Book now for 2005.
Cost: Blood, sweat and tears. You might want to sponsor RichardHerring if he makes it all the way round.
Silver Jubilee: Queensbury
Opened: Sunday 16th December 1934
Opened: Saturday 10th December 1932
1868: The Metropolitan & St John's Wood Railway opens between Baker Street and Swiss Cottage, five years after the opening of London's very first Underground railway.
So, come take a ride with me down the silver Jubilee line. It only takes an hour to travel the whole line from end to end, a total of 24 miles. The route passes from leafy suburbia to West End bustle, from the seat of government to the heart of Docklands, and from the 1948 Olympic Stadium to (possibly) the site for 2012. Climb aboard one of those tiny tube trains with the special whining engine, mind the huge doors along the platform edge, and let's be off. The next station is.... Stanmore.
Opened: Saturday 10th December 1932
We may only be one of the best 8 teams in Europe.
I-SPY Signs of approaching summer
A quiz, by George
Bow Road update: I do hope you've been keeping abreast of my daily reports from Bow Road, London's pioneering tube renovation project. The station upgrade has been going on for over a month now and the place certainly looks very different - four blue walls and a pile of scaffolding now cover the outside of the station and half of both of the platforms. However, there's still no evidence to convince me that a single scrap of renovation has yet occurred. I've not seen one cleaned surface, one lick of paint or even one busy workman since the whole affair began. But, maybe, something, soon. Keep up to date with events as they unfold daily in this comments box.
Happy Birthday Ma'am
BBC2@40
